Can’t Win Either Way, so Fuck Them… A Skinny Perspective-AK

Selfish Mitch and I have talked about this alot…30 years of weight, clothes, hair, make-up, diet…in a society that bases everything on the external, how you look seems like the most important thing ever.  Fuck that noise…honestly, that’s pretty much always been my perspective on physical appearance.  As an Empath, I have the ability to know people on an energetic, soul level…seeing past the physical and understanding the non-physical.  For me, someone’s physical appearance is confirmation of what I am picking up psychically.  As within, so without (are y’all sick of me saying this, yet)…how we feel, what we believe, about ourselves on the inside is manifested in the physical.  We all know plenty of skinny, pretty people that are so shallow on the inside, the outside doesn’t become so attractive anymore.  On the flip side, we all know plenty of people that are not considered “attractive”, by this fucked up society’s standards, but are the BEST people in the world.  When Selfish Mitch and I met, way back at 14 (1989 lol), I was not even 5 feet tall, maybe 70 lbs….I don’t know Mitch’s stats off the top of my head, but she was taller and weighed more.  I didn’t give a fuck how she looked…when she introduced herself, I saw her soul, her light and I loved her instantly.  I can’t really relate my experience to any TV character, as I really don’t watch TV.  I’ve never been big on what’s going on in the media and/or celebrities…I just really don’t care about the people chosen to be our role models.  As far as I’m concerned, these people are in the public eye to manipulate how we feel and what we believe about ourselves…that we are never enough…smart, skinny, pretty, talented, you get the idea.  These are the messages all around us everyday & it’s bullshit.

I’ve never been one to worry about my weight. I”ve always been tiny… I am fine boned and not built to carry much weight.  During my pregnancies I gained, of course, and Selfish Mitch, I did hit 166 lbs. at the very end of my first pregnancy (I had gained 51 lbs).  However, before my daughter was 6 months old, I was back to 120 lbs.  Breastfeeding and some Billy Blanks, Tae-Bo, whipped me right back into shape.  The other 2 pregnancies I gained around 40 lbs. and lost the weight due to stress, fatigue and anxiety, brought on by the ending of shitty marriages.  Unlike many, I shut down when stressed out.  There have been days where I literally cannot bring myself to eat. Not the healthiest way to lose weight, but it’s just who I am and how my body works. I have never been a big eater, I eat to live, not live to eat.  I have always just eaten whatever I want, whenever I want and I know many that wish they could do the same.  Skinny, fat…that shit doesn’t matter, we all have our shadows.  Although, at the end of the second marriage, after years of narcissist abuse, the weight loss wasn’t healthy, like I was going to die if it continued, serious shit…my ob/gyn began monitoring my weight.  I was teaching and would have to deal with all kinds of judgmental bullshit in the Teacher’s Lounge.  “Do you ever eat?”  “I wish I was as thin as you!”  “You know you don’t need to lose weight, don’t you?” on & on, daily basis and it sucked.  Skinny chicks get shit, too.

The judgments, the rude comments and sexual innuendos.  My god, I could write a book on the shit men have said to me about my body.  Fucking degrading and disgusting.  In high school, I was told I was a carpenter’s dream:  flat as a board and easy to nail.  At 15 years old, I was flat chested, still am and it never bothered me.  At 15 years old, I was a virgin, yet found myself to be a whore because of how I looked, part of that being my size. I was shoved into a locker once, as well, pretty sure it was an option because I’m tiny. I have had more men than I care to count leering at me, making comments about my body and what they would like to do to it.  This shit still happens to me at 42…I’m friends with a guy that continually speaks about what he would like to do to me, sexually, even though I have more than once said we are just friends.  I’ve flat out said not going to happen, dude.  But, he thinks it’s cute and funny to make these comments.  On the flip side, I’ve been told I would look better with some more meat on my bones.  Selfish Mitch knows a guy, that at her birthday party last year, told me I would look better with bigger boobs and he would buy them for me.  My response was, “Thanks, but I love myself just the way I am.” My narc ex told me a few months ago, I look like a meth addict.  For the fucking love of Buddha, a meth addict?  The shit people project onto others is just fucking ridiculous.

Today, I eat a mostly vegetarian diet, although I don’t believe in following any diet, like everything else for me, there is no box.  I listen to my body and it tells me what it needs.  I eat when I’m hungry, sometimes that’s once a day with a bunch of snacks.  Sometimes, it’s 3 meals a day with a bunch of snacks…my snacks are bananas, nuts, Cliff bars, you get the idea.  If I want ice cream, I eat the damn ice cream.  I do yoga 5/6 days a week and I walk dogs, 2-5 miles daily…guess what, I’m not going to be gaining any weight anytime soon, so anyone with a problem can fuck right off.  On top of eating and exercising,  I’m in ascension.  Basically, my body is becoming lighter, purer, to hold higher energetic frequencies.  Hence, the changes in my diet and being guided to yoga.  These changes occur during the spiritual awakening to prepare the physical body for ascension.  I will say, the yoga has done some mind blowing things to my body.  I have muscles where I’m pretty sure they have never existed before and that is just the cherry on top, when it comes to the benefits of yoga.  In the past year, I have come to love my body in ways I never really thought about.  Today,  I choose to show my body how sacred and loved it is by how I treat it on the daily.  I do have one last bad habit though…smoking and it pisses me the fuck off.  But, I’m aware and working on it, every damn day.

I’m skinny, tiny, thin…my physical body meets societies expectations, but I really don’t give a fuck and it never stopped people from being aholes to me.  The shallow, superficial way of thinking and treating each other needs to stop, like yesterday.  If anyone judges, comments, eye rolls, at your body, or what you choose to wear…know this…THEY ARE FUCKING INSECURE and PROJECTING THAT SHIT ONTO YOU…don’t let them take your power, your knowing of who you are and what makes you happy.  Here’s the thing, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about YOUR body, it’s your fucking body and you are in it for a reason.  If you can’t love your body, as it is, right now…start, it’s an integral part of self-care and self-love and it starts right where your at.  Not where you want to be, or intend to be…now.  If you can’t love it right this fucking minute, than you’re never going to love it as you imagine it to be, so it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks, does it?

Peace Love and Light To Every Shape & Size

AK

P.S.

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Unleash Your Power

I have to tell you guys, each time I do one of these chakra blogs, I realize just how out of balance I used to be.  The yellow Solar Plexus chakra, located just above your belly button is all about your will and your power.  A balanced Solar Plexus is all about confidence, inspired, creative action and owning your personal power.  For me, and just about every feminine I know, power and confidence are a struggle.  A healthy Solar Plexus is all about courage and confidence, about doing the things you are afraid to do and living your life with integrity…I have to say I don’t see a lot of that going on these days.

I’ve said it before and I will continue to say it until change happens, feminines have been disempowered since the beginning of time.  Selfish Mitch and I were having this conversation today, as we are firm supporters of Feminine Empowerment.  Don’t get me wrong, masculine’s have their own confidence issues and balancing to do and I am all about Human Empowerment, but I’m going to focus on the feminine’s today.  I can honestly say I can recall few times that this chakra was in balance and it’s a fucking shame, because when feminines are in the power, full of confidence, inspiration  and creativity we are LIT AF!!  It’s where my focus as been, as of late, as I step out of my cocoon and follow my guidance on co-creating the life I dream of.

Procrastination, control freak, second guessing, feeling worthless are all shit I have dealt with for the majority of my life and signs of a blocked Solar Plexus chakra.  The only consistent time I can think of my Solar Plexus really in balance, is when I was teaching.  Man, when I was in my classroom with my kids I was on fucking fire.  Until, the last year of my career, when the reality of the education system and my role in indoctrinating children became crystal clear…but the education system and all our fucked up systems are a blog for another day.   I used to be a total control freak, my mother is, almost all of my girlfriends, it’s a fucking problem for feminines because we really feel powerless internally, we grab on to controlling everything we can externally.  I’m in a place of deep knowing that most things are out of our control.  Everything and I mean EVERY FUCKING THING is Divinely orchestrated, there are no random events, no coincidences in life.  I know it’s hard to accept when we’ve been conditioned to believe that we can control everything, but I’m here to tell you…you can’t.  What can you control?  YOU, that ‘s it, YOU.  Your thoughts, your emotions and your actions…so simple…yet, humans makes it so fucking complicated…programming has fucked us all up.

Alright, being transparent, I have to own the fact that I have always been a procrastinator…always.  Well, not about things I was passionate about, just all the other shit lol…aren’t most of us?  Procrastination is a manifestation of feeling insecure, like your thoughts and feelings don’t really matter, second guessing your thoughts and emotions before acting, so you just don’t act.  You start playing the “What If” game, I hate that fucking game.  When something feels right, but looks wrong it’s right.  We are programmed to a seeing is believing perspective, which is total fucking lie (Thanks Patriarchy) and a blog I’m planning to go deeper into soon.  Typically, something will feel right, an idea for a project, or a life change in some way and it will feel inspiring and absolutely the right thing to do…then, you think What If…I fail, I end up broke, I lose a relationship with someone, on and on and on with motherfucking Ego.  The fears and insecurities creep in and you stop.  This blog, both YouTube channels and starting my own Tarot/Healing business were HUGE fucking risks, it was terrifying, but I did it. Then, I froze…people who know me are going to think I’m bat shit crazy and they did.  Most don’t talk to me anymore, I’m broke and I feel fucking amazing, POWERFUL and free.  When literally everything about your life is released, either by you, or the Universe, you realize what’s important and who you’re people are.  You gain clarity on who you are and why you’re here, but it doesn’t happen overnight.  Instant gratification is some other BS I’m planning a blog on.  This human experience is a journey, a process and sometimes painstakingly so…look at how nature works, through it’s cycles, going with the ebb & flow of those cycles.  Such is the human experience.  A few weeks ago it hit me that I was doing it…the same fucking shit, over the leap of faith I took.  These leaps we take aren’t easy and fear can quickly take over, if you aren’t aware of yourself.  Thanks to sweet baby Jesus, I figured it out, called myself out, had a good cry and snapped myself back out of it. Bogs being posted regularly, 2 videos up on 1 YouTube channel & 1 to come for this channel soon.  I’m hoping Selfish Mitch will agree to do a reading for you all, so you can see how I use Tarot and my gifts/abilities to help guide you on your journey of self transformation, the journey to self love.

So, what about an overactive Solar Plexus?  When it’s overactive you’ll see power hungry, domineering, critical, perfectionist behaviors.  I’m certain at least one name came to mind.  In the interest at feminine empowerment, this is interesting to me.  I feel feminines tend to exhibit these qualities a lot these days to overcompensate for the disempowerment we have experienced for fucking ever, literally since the beginning of time (remember the story of Lilith & Adam?).  Although I haven’t gotten into politics much yet, I will…spiritual anarchy will be shared here, at some point…I think of Hillary Clinton and how she didn’t win the election (she was never going to btw…the universe has it’s plans).  To me, it was clear that she was not the right feminine, she wasn’t feminine at all…I saw none of the amazing qualities that make feminines, feminine.  Grace, nurturing, compassion, kindness…the softness that is what it means to be feminine…the softness that has been taught is a weakness.

The feminine that is needed is balanced, not just in the Solar Plexus, but within all aspects of herself.  She is soft, yet strong.  Intuitive, yet logical.  Loving, yet firm in her boundaries.  This is the feminine that I intend to embody everyday and hope to inspire, guide and empower you to do the same, even the masculine’s who read this…we need you to balance your feminine energy, guys.  My beautiful divine sisters, these huge shifts are happening to us all…the rise of the matriarchy, the balance of masculine & feminine energy is happening whether we like it, or not.  It is Divinely guided as humanity is dire need of this change.  As within, so without…it starts with us healing ourselves, knowing ourselves at a soul level, loving ourselves unconditionally.  When we do this, it spreads to everyone around.  A balanced divine feminine is energy so powerful many don’t know what to do with it…it’s also very rare, so let’s fix this shit together.

Peace, love and light

AK

Divine Warrior Goddess

P.S.  Solar Chakra affirmations 

PPS  If you are interested in a private reading, please hit me up here or at ohmmygoddess@gmail.com.

Karmic Lessons

It’s been a fucking minute since I’ve felt the inspiration to blog.  These past months have been a serious Hermit situation.  I’m not going to lie, it’s been rough, somedays brutal, others magical.  Being an Empath complicates the awakening and Twin Flame process, but one big lesson I’ve been learning is to trust the process, allowing whatever feelings & experiences to come.  I’ve definitely been going through some pretty heavy karmic cycles, but feel them coming to an end and it’s a beautiful fucking feeling.  That’s where the blogging block has been, I just don’t know what to write about, focus on, with so much going on in all aspects of my life and the realization of how it’s all interconnected as left me wondering where the fuck to start, what to focus on.  This morning, I said fuck it, just write, get it out with the intention of sharing myself to inspire others.  I had a serious low vibrational experience  (attached is a good infographic of vibrational energy) this weekend that was a catalyst to some huge breakthroughs that required me to forgive, accept and love myself unconditionally and I am super proud of me.  If the same situation had happened a few months ago, I would have dealt with it completely differently and that my loves, is when you know you have healed.

So, long story short…I had an opportunity to see my Twin and felt guided to take it.  I even did a Tarot reading on it because we had not spoken in over 3 months (the longest we’ve gone in the 7 years we’ve known each other) and as much I am getting to a place where I completely trust my intuition, I’m human and was second guessing myself.  But the Divine never leads me astray and the messages were clear to go.  All was fine, I could feel he was uncomfortable, but overall the energy was good and I was fully aligned and aware, until the shots came. It was then that my shadow self made her debut and all of a sudden nothing had changed.  It was like de ja vu, it had to happen…I needed to see that when I drink around low vibrational beings, I become one.  For an Empath, alcohol lessens our awareness of others’ energy, so instead of being aware & able to release low vibrational energy, we absorb and man, did I absorb like a motherfucking sponge, energy and alcohol.  One of my patterns when drinking, is to drink more to handle (which i think I’m doing, but I’m not) the energy I’m taking on, lesson learned Universe, lesson learned.  One of many to come out of 1 experience, when you are able to step back and be a conscious observer to your thoughts, feelings and experiences, it’s amazing what you can learn from it all.

Next lesson, Karma…there is a 3rd party that has been involved in my DM’s life for a few years, I’ll call him Dick (first name to pop into my head lol), but seriously, I do not judge this person at all and recognize his role as a Karmic relationship.  But, that ‘s what he is, a lesson for my DM to learn and it is not up to me how he figures that out.  See we all have our karmic lessons to learn and the universe is in control of who is brought into our lives to teach us this lesson. So here we are, drunk and having a great time, when Dick brings his low vibes around.  I can feel it, so heavy, and try to get my DM and I away from it.  (Side note, I’m just going to call my Twin, Adam, from now on…)  When I reflected the next day, I was not surprised this blew up in my face.  At the time though, Adam’s reaction and how he dealt with the situation, pissed me the fuck off.  It triggered so much shit, which is what Twin Flames do.  We mirror fears & insecurities for each other to heal.  It’s a beautiful gift we give, but doesn’t always feel that way.  So, I became reactive out of fear, told him to fuck off and left.  Not how I was expecting any of the evening to go when I walked into it and have to say had a meltdown when I got home.  Next lesson, Dick is Adam’s lesson to learn about releasing those who no longer serve us, who/what keeps us from growing.   That’s a deal between the Universe and a soul.  My lesson, I have the power to remove myself from anyone and anything that isn’t aligned with my highest good.  Not easy to do when it involves the person you love most in this world, but I love myself more.  I have a lot more to share about Karma and will have an upcoming post dedicated solely to it.

In the 2 days that have followed, I have turned inward.  Meditation, yoga, journalling and a lot of fucking tears are my practices to reflect, learn, heal and grow. One thing I did this time that I had never done before, after clearing the emotions, is to watch the whole evening as a conscious observer.  I envisioned it like I was watching a movie, in which I was the star, acknowledging emotions as I felt them.  This was a HUGE breakthrough for me, as I could feel each person involved.  I focused on me and it led me to commit to changing for my highest good.  I’m not sure I will ever be able to find the words to adequately describe the depths of my love for Adam, but I will not involve myself in any situation that involves Dick ever again.  If I find myself sharing space with him, I will not be drinking, I will not absorb his energy ever again.  I will release the need to protect my person, knowing that his karma will play out regardless of anything I do, or say.  However, I will hold a space of unconditional love, acceptance and empathy for Adam.  Releasing myself does not mean I release the connection, I can’t…I’ve already tried.

In doing so, I find self-acceptance, self-forgiveness and peace.   Listen, we are all perfect souls having imperfect human experiences.  When you take this perspective, it becomes very easy to love unconditionally, and take it from me it feels like complete and utter freedom.  The situation I found myself in Saturday night used to be my life on the daily, as it is most people’s and I was harder on myself that anyone else for mistakes.  I sit in the knowing that I am the creator of one thing and one thing only…me, my reality and that’s it.  Nothing anyone says, or does, has anything to do with me…it’s about them, their karma, their feelings about themselves.  When Adam triggers feelings of worthlessness and abandonment, I’m in a place where I know that it’s not me…it’s a direct reflection of how he feels about himself and if anything, it just makes me love him more.   I know I’m worthy of everything good the universe has to offer(we all are btw).  No longer will my self-worth, self-respect and self-love be defined by anything, or anyone, external, even my favorite human bean.

Throughout my Twin Flame journey, this kind of night has happened repeatedly.  In the past, I would have been catapulted into the darkness.  This time is different, it was not a good, nor a bad night.  It was an experience, a gift from the universe, if I choose to look at it this way and I do.  Every person, every experience we have in this human life is orchestrated by the universe for a reason.  There are no coincidences. I amazed everyday at the magic all around me and so very grateful to be a part of it.  May you all see the magic around you today and everyday.

 

Peace, love and light

AK

(P.S.  You are amazing, beautiful and worthy!)

Are You Busy?

The holidays are a super busy time, right?  How are you feeling about this holiday season…Busy?  Frantic…like there’s never enough time?  Stressed about money, when/how you’re going to get it all done, making sure those you hold dear are happy?  If any of this resonates with you, not just during the holidays, but at any time…you are busy.  Busy avoiding yourself, busy trying to people please, busy denying yourself the love, joy & abundance you deserve… Busy letting ego tell you, you are not worthy of your time.  Time is an illusion, Einstein told us that.  Like everything else in the Universe, time is energy.  Always fluid, always flowing, each moment filled with infinite possibilities…How are you spending it? Where are you focusing your energy?
If you say you don’t have time , you’re too busy to do the things that make your heart happy, make you feel good then you are not making yourself a priority and
you are avoiding healing fears centered around worthiness.

This shift (self-worth)has been huge for me.  I’ll be honest, putting myself at the top of my priority list has been challenging.  I have never made myself a priority, as an Empath giving comes naturally, wanting to make people happy is a priority and man, was I a people pleaser, everyone, and everything, was a priority.  I was always busy…with work, kids, friends, family, and significant others, never really taking time for myself, thinking that was selfish. I would feel guilty when I did things for myself, believing my happiness came externally.   In this country, busy has somehow become synonymous with success…from my perspective, that is complete & utter bullshit.  FUCK THAT NOISE!! We, especially those of us with dominant feminine energy, have been programmed to believe we must give & give to everyone & everything around us. To put ourselves last on the priority list. In this process, we lose ourselves, we lose our joy, our power. We must be protective of our energy (even more so for Empaths).  If you are “busy” in every aspect of life except in putting yourself first, you are wasting your precious, fucking time.
One day I finally sat down and looked at these questions…Where is your time(energy) going? Which aspects of your life are taking the most of your time? How does that make you feel? I realized that all of this time I was giving was going to everyone but me and it didn’t really make me feel so great. In fact, I felt empty.  I began to unlearn what I had been taught.  I let the shift happen.  I began implementing daily practices that were all about putting myself first (gratitude, being present, chakra work), finally understanding that the ONLY person I can make happy, is ME.  I can’t choose happiness for anyone else, but what I can do in choosing it for myself is radiate that energy to those around me.  Ask yourself these questions, answer them honestly, if your answer doesn’t light up your heart chakra, then you are wasting your time, your energy. The choice is yours.

As humans, we are conditioned to not be present.  We focus on the memories of the past and expectations of the future.  Both take away the only time that matters…now.  We only have the present this moment to do what makes our hearts happy.  BE PRESENT.
Your time is valuable, if you are giving it to others & not yourself you are letting ego tell you that you are not worth your time. Think about it…all this time you give, do you feel you are receiving it back? Do others give you their time freely? If the answer is yes, awesome! If not, think about to whom & where your time is going. Release what no longer serves you. Take that fucking time back and give it to your damn self. Use it to do whatever it is that makes your heart happy, that shows yourself you are worth it! Let me tell you something…you are worth it! You are full of love, light & unlimited potential.  You are the creator of your reality, your time…how do YOU want to spend it?

Peace, Love and Light Beautiful Souls

AK

Busy Being Happy with my Damn Self

P.S.  Chakra work is no joke…once you begin opening them, there is no going back.  Big changes in self awareness will occur and it’s AMAZING.  If you’d like any guidance/have any questions, feel free to comment, or e-mail me at ohmmygoddess@gmail.com.  I will being posting more about Chakras soon.