My Winter Skin Is Thirstier Than a Former Disney Starlet on Instagram (A Story About Kitnapping)

If you know me, or if you have read this blog at all, you know that I’m pretty invested in self care. Some of it is because I have a chronic illness and run a few businesses, including ohmmygodess.com, and I have to make choices every damn day. A lot of times I don’t like those choices; for example, I often have time to reach out to all of my real estate leads and clients OR time for a long phone call with a BFF. I have time to get my ass to bed on time or blog. I have time to spend in my photo studio getting clothes ready for sale OR time with my husband. It’s not fun having to choose all the time.

I’ve been totally absent from this blog for what, a month now? I came down with three different strains of this year’s flu and a case of bronchitis, and I had to choose only the most urgent things I could do every day. Had I been inspired I’d have probably blogged instead of another task, but I was cranky and tired and overextended and didn’t have love to share with you all. I started feeling better Sunday of last week, and started planning a normal adult personal professional life, and then…my neurologist’s office called and said that my insurance company had approved a minor back surgery I’ve needed for about six months, but they gave a 10 day window and Wednesday (less than 48 hours) was the only time that the doc and the surgical center had available, so they needed me there or it might never happen. Fuck the American medical system, but we work with what we have. Let me arrange my life and figure out how I’m going to pay my $3900 copay and deductible in two days. Seems reasonable. Again, fuck all of them.

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I *might* have also ordered three identical unicorn onesies on the way home from back surgery. But I got a deal, so whatevs.

So, surgery Wednesday afternoon, and Wednesday night someone invited me to a Perfectly Posh party. I’ve heard of this MLM company and their pampering products from a few friends who swear by them, so I’d wanted to try it for a while. I’m also a cheap bitch, and that leads us to one of my favorite hobbies: Kitnapping. Kitnapping is the term for signing up as a sales rep for a multi level marketing company with absolutely no intention of being a “BOSS BABE {INSERT 47 EMOJIS HERE}.” I don’t hate MLM, and in fact, I feel compelled to work Beachbody as a business since I used their workouts, meal plans, Shakeology, and challenge groups to lose 70 lbs. It’s not my main job,  but you can’t lose 70 lbs and get hundreds of selfie likes and NOT want to help other people do the same. With anything else, though, no. I’m here to get the starter kit for free, buy a few more things for myself at a discount, and then quit. Most of them can be viable businesses if you choose to work them like businesses, but I’m a great Realtor and passionate about that, first and foremost, so it won’t work for me. I’m not trying to discourage you, but please do your research. f you want to know why MLM’s have a 90+% failure rate, look at bitches like me. We sign up to get the goods, then GTFO. http://www.scarymommy.com/mlm-failure-rate-99-percent-lularoe/

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Seems a little early to talk about love, since we just met, but OK.

Anyway, as the title of this post indicates, I have the WORST dry skin in the winter. Even in Arizona, when January 21 found me cursing myself for not getting the motor to operate the top of my convertible fixed earlier because it was 85 degrees, I had alligator skin. So, induced by still working the surgical drugs out of my system and the nurses commenting, “You poor thing” when faced with my scaly legs, I decided to jump on the Perfectly Posh kitnapping wagon.

So, here’s what you get. A big box that says, “I’m part of the company I love!” (That’s a little much, PP People, since the folks who order your starter kit likely don’t know much about your business, even if they love your products.) It has a bunch of catalogs and I’m assuming other business shit I will never look at. There’s only one bag that says, “Pampering for Me,” but hi, have we met? This shit is ALL for me. There’s not a way that a MLM paying 20% commission for affordable skin care products is going to overtake my income from selling houses. Still, I’ve heard amazing things about this so let’s get it on.

It was 4 pm on a Sunday when I opened this, so conveniently, I needed a shower. I chose these two things since they looked like they should go in the shower.

So, I grabbed the “Show and Gel” and was VERY disappointed. I was confused about the hype on this crap because here is a body wash gel with zero foaming action. Well, it turns out you should read the back of this because it’s like lotion for the alligator people like me, not a body wash. My bad; so I had to use the soap that was already in my shower. I also used the BFF exfoliating facial gel, which made me feel fruity clean on my face, which is a thing I like. When my dumb ass got out of the shower, I used the Show and Gel like you’re supposed to, and I’ll be damned if it didn’t make my disgusting legs look human again, so that was a win.

Since that worked, I decided to try a mask. I chose the pineapple one that is sampled, and I smelled like a fucking pineapple and I got puppy kisses as a result, so that’s a win.

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Gratuitous dog picture, but the little one did keep trying to lick my face with the Pineapple mask. If you don’t think they’re cute you’re a monster.

That shit did NOT want to wash off, so I didn’t like that part. Rinse, rinse rinse, rinse, and still. Pineapple face. If you’re following us on Instagram, you can see my 42 year old clean face with a pineapple mask in our story. (If you’re not following our Instagram, what are you even doing with your life?) When I finally got rid of the pineapple, I used the Gel Yes! because it’s the only facial moisturizer sampled in that big ass kit, which I thought was strange, since they include approximately 623 samples of hand cream . Still, I used the goods and my face still feels as soft as a 33 year old’s. (Estimated age, I do not have a 33 year old face to feel at the moment, and even if I did, that would be an awkward conversation).

I finished off with the Sassyooma “Big FAT Yummy Hand Cream,” which has a great orange-y citrus smell and actually took me closer to human and further away from reptile, which is obviously a good thing. It came in a little sample packet that said to use a pea sized amount on your hands, but I used all of it and used it up my arms, on my neck, and a little on my face, and it’s my favorite so far. (Does anyone actually use a portion of a free sample and roll the dice that the other part of it will be good when you come back to it?) I feel like if I kept using it, I’d become fully human in a week or so. Of course, because my brain is THE WORST and crazy inconvenient, I react to the word “yummy” like most people react to the word “moist” so of course I can’t just fucking enjoy things. WHY CAN’T I JUST HAVE NICE THINGS?

Anyhow, what I’ve tried so far seems pretty legit, as long as you have the reading skills of a third grader and employ them before you squeeze out 1/6th of a bottle of lotion onto your shower poofy thing expecting it to foam up like body wash.

Want to try out some of this stuff and support this blog at the same time? Order from Selfish Mitch Perfectly Posh If you have questions, I’ll be happy to answer if I know anything. At this point, based on what I’ve tried and how much stuff is in the starter kit, I would recommend kitnapping Perfectly Posh for $99 and some shipping. I’m not sure how I feel about it as a gung-ho business opportunity. Yes, the kit is $99, so that’s a hell of a deal for over $300 in retail products. I know from social media and my own research that the products are well received and wanted, but if you’re looking for a MLM to really sink your teeth into and grow a business, I can’t say I’d recommend a company that overuses the word yummy and pays out 20% for products that are pretty affordable. I do know people personally who are working this as a business and doing well, so I could put you in contact with them if you’re interested in the opportunity.

Thanks to Angie Welker for letting me kitnap on her downline. I think it’s totally ethical to buy a starter kit from any MLM for your personal use, with no intention to work it as a business besides passively sharing your link, with one caveat. If you’re going to be selfish with it and keep it all, just be honest with the person you’re signing up under. Angie was the rep running the Perfectly Posh Party and I signed up “under” her in the business. I was straight with her that I wanted the kit for myself and would provide an honest review, but that she didn’t need to follow up me with me as a downline business person because I’m not going to have parties in person or on Facebook. Don’t be a dick. Be honest with everyone involved if you’re kitnapping.

-With love and citrus smelling soft skin,

Selfish Mitch

 

 

 

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Those Bastards! (1) Emotional Advertising and Big Money in Politics Screwing With Our Lives

**I anticipate several “THOSE BASTARDS” posts so I just started it as a series. Makes sense to me.**

If you’ve read any of my posts, you’ll know that I’m crazy skeptical of pharmaceutical companies and the doctors who are in cahoots with them. The side effects I’ve experienced from medications given to me in the hopes that they would alleviate some of my Lupus symptoms. I have gained 25 lbs in 3 weeks due to one drug. Another made me suffer a bipolar (literally; it’s not cool to use bipolar as a metaphor) swirl of manic periods and depression. I gained 40 more lbs on a different medication. Yet another made me need a nap after about a 2 hour period of light activity. That was a really lit class reunion, with me being Nappy Sleeperson. I have yet to find a pharmaceutical drug that does less harm that it does good, except maybe Plaquenil, which is an antimalarial drug that somehow makes your immune system weaker, from what I understand. I don’t notice anything different whether I take it or not.

The big name, expensive drugs, though, are insane. Some are over $3,000 a month, and of course doctors love to push those. I don’t know what the payoff is, but I assume it’s a lot. I have a friend who was taking a biologic that WAS working for her, and her insurance decided to stop paying for it. The same exact insurance company she had in October that paid for her medication decided not to pay for it in November. No reason given, just “nope.”

This is what happens when you allow fucking corporations to take control of our healthcare. Corporations with giant budgets lobby Congress and fund campaigns for our Senators and Representatives, and they’re then allowed to do whatever the hell they want to the American public. Those of us who are ill are totally at their mercy. That biologic helped my friend walk. It helped her work and support her family. She can’t do that now because the insurance company clearly didn’t like what it did to their bottom line, so fuck the patient, right?

The drug companies themselves are just as bad. The way that they tug at our emotions in commercials. These kind of commercials aren’t allowed in the rest of the Western World, FYI. They trust their doctors and their own research to determine which medication, if any is right for them. They think it’s totally crazy that their doctor would prescribe one medication over another because of financial benefit.) The commercials show active, healthy people, and happy dogs. Eddy

How do I know they show dogs so often on pharmaceutical commercials? Easy. This giant doofus tells me. My dog, for some reason (the big one) watches TV constantly looking for animals. As soon as he sees one, he barks at it. He’s actually broken a flat screen TV trying to get to some antelopes in a Geico commercial. Those drove him really crazy.

I keep the TV on in the background a lot when I work on paperwork or emails, so I rarely pay attention to what’s on, but I sure as hell know when an animal pops on screen, because Eddy lets me know. The amount of pharmaceutical  drug commercials that feature dogs is insane. It’s constant. They’ve done PLENTY of market research to show what attracts people. Young looking active senior citizens with their dogs seems to be a THING. The thing is, the happy feeling we apparently get from seeing the happy people and the dogs is fully meant to make you think something is wrong with you that this pill can fix. Can it? Maybe, but I’ve learned the hard way to trust no drug, trust no commercial, and be hesitant AF to trust your doctor. That laundry list of side effects at the end of the commercial is legit. They may not happen to you, but they might. If the drug really helps, then I’m all for it, but just be careful. Read the fine print in the drug insert. A lot of times these side effects sneak up on you. I know that the Effexor hell snuck up on me. I wasn’t fine one day, a raging banshee the next week, and unable to get out of bed the next. That’s not how it works. It sneaks up a little bit at a time, so you need to be your own best advocate.

Try to control your health through a super healthy lifestyle. Follow a healthy diet on the 80/20 rule. Eat lean meats, tons of vegetables, fresh fruit, and complex carbs most of the time, leaving junk food and processed food as 20% of what you eat. Exercise enough to get your heart rate up for at least 20 minutes, 4-6 times a week. If you’re a healthy person, that should keep you healthy. OF COURSE, if you’re on medication right now, don’t just stop cold turkey because eating a lot of salads works for me. Never, ever, ever do that. Evaluate your side effects and talk to your doctor. Make her listen to your concerns and take you seriously. If your doctor isn’t taking your concerns seriously, you need a new doctor, full stop.

If you’re a person who is already struggling with health, with eating issues, with chronic illness, reach out. I’d be happy to chat with you about things that work for me and what might work for you. I love to help. Just remember to not be emotionally affected by those sweet, cute doggies on the commercials.

In Selfishly Healthy Glory,

-Mitch