Oh, hey there. It’s been a while. I’ve been out of sorts. I had a couple more medication changes that fucked me up quite a bit in the past several months, and I kind of hit a wall in my career, personal development, and my relationship, and I certainly didn’t give myself time to grieve the loss of my dog properly. I was exhausted, depressed, and totally unmotivated. I gave zero shits for way too long, and now I’m trying to find my path back to the person I want to be; the best version of myself. I’ve found, though, that I spent way too much time and energy trying to make myself want things that were no longer what was best for me. I was trying so hard to convince myself that my goals should be the same as they were in the past that I didn’t take time to evaluate if those were still things I wanted. I went down a rabbit hole only to finally realize that if I’d achieved those goals, I wouldn’t be happy anyway. I needed to acknowledge that goals change as we do, because it’s tough to let go of things, and that’s totally OK.
It’s hard for me to blog here when I’m not feeling myself, honestly. Our mission is to help women live their best lives, and I was certainly not living mine. Nowhere close. I guess I was practicing self care, if self care looks like eating cookie dough out of a tub. (I mean, I think it CAN look like that, once in a great while, but let’s be honest. Doing it fairly regularly isn’t self care. It’s self harm.) Who the hell was I to help guide anyone else? I was a hot mess. What I guess I really lost sight of, though, is that I’m a woman, and if we’re trying to help women live their best lives, why was I uncomfortable starting with myself? I’m pretty sure there are plenty of people out there going through the same things I am, or who could learn from my journey.
Part of it is that it’s really hard to be totally raw and honest online. The Pinterest/Instagram/Blogosphere corner of the internet is full of people with photoshopped and glossed over lives. I don’t blame anyone for wanting to put their best foot forward, especially in a cruel world full of strangers who sometimes want to make themselves feel better by taking other people down. I find that women, especially, fall into this pattern of behavior. When you’re miserable and things aren’t going your way, it’s a hell of a lot easier to lash out and judge other people than to turn the mirror on ourselves. I know I’ve been guilty of that toxic practice. The nickname Mitch the Bitch didn’t come from thin air. I wear the label “Bitch” proudly when I use my skills to stand up for myself and for people and ideals I love. I’m not so proud if I use it to personally attack people. It doesn’t make me better, it doesn’t make them better, and it doesn’t make the world a better place.
It’s equally as bad when I use my elevated skills of verbal decimation on myself, whether I say it out loud, or I say it inside my head. I’m always up for a good self deprecating joke, honestly, and that will probably never change, but I need to be a lot kinder to myself when I stumble. I need to be a lot more honest with myself, as well. A character trait I’m not terribly fond of is my all or nothing, zero to sixty in ten seconds personality. It’s great to ramp myself up and throw myself into something I care about or to reach towards a goal, but it’s a train wreck when I don’t allow myself room for moderation or failure.
Be real; who else does this? We say, “I stayed on my diet for three days then I ate some fries, so I’ll start again Monday,” or, “I really wanted to start blogging again, and I wrote a couple I’m pretty happy with, but then I ran out of time and motivation and now I look stupid because who the hell wants to follow me?”
The answer to failure shouldn’t be, “Fuck it!” if it’s something you really want. If it’s something that you think will make you really happy, start again today. Commit again right now, and if you stumble, start again right away. Don’t give up, but forgive yourself if you don’t succeed and follow the path that you thought would lead you to your goal. My goal is pretty simple. I want to be healthy and happy. I want to be the best version of myself and I want to help other women do the same. For me, that’s going to require nothing but pure honesty, self love and acceptance, and accountability. I’m going to be honest with myself and right here on this blog. I’m going to love myself to identify self destructive behavior, take some time to analyze why I did it, and find a better way to reach my goals when I start again. I’ve found that what we sometimes think will make us happy isn’t really what we originally think it is. Sometimes, we get so caught up in the minutia of what we are trying to do that we don’t take time along the way to reevaluate and make sure that the place we’re going is still the destination we want to reach.
So here I go again, but not on my own. I have AK and my family, and other amazing, strong friends and mentors to love me and guide me, and maybe I have you. You have me if you need me. Reach out. I don’t care who you are, or where you are in your process. You don’t have to be spiritually awakened, because I know I’m not there yet. You don’t have to know exactly what you want or how the hell to get there, but if you’re reaching for something and you’re not content, hit me up. I’m actually a lot better at advice for other people than I am for myself. Even if I can’t help, I will almost always say something ridiculous and make you laugh and see things from a different perspective.
When we started this blog, I had a clear idea of what I wanted to do here, of what my role should be, and really, what I thought I wanted and what I thought would make me happy. Some of that is still right, and some of that has changed, but I promise, it’s OK to figure it out as you go along. Don’t stay committed to things that don’t serve you. Seriously, knock it off. If you made a goal to run a marathon but you keep injuring yourself, that might not be the right goal for you. There are other ways to get fit and strong. I’m not saying to divorce your husband or quit your job right now, especially if you love them and see a way forward and a future with them that could be fulfilling. I am saying that the way forward might look different than you thought it would, and you need to be open to that.
I have a lot more to say. I want to talk about spirituality and the divine feminine, and I started this blog to talk about gratitude. I’m going to write about both soon, but this is what came out right now and I’m not second guessing it. This needed to come out for a reason, so here it is. You’ll see the good, the bad, the ugly, and the utterly ridiculous here, so strap in for the ride.
Love, light, forgiveness, and an appropriate amount of cookie dough,
Hey all! In typical AK fashion, I have gone hermit mode…again. I’m back though and feeling amazing! The past 2 months of my ascension journey have been intense, some days brutal, but I am grateful for it all. November has always been one of my favorite months, Thanksgiving my favorite holiday. A few years ago, my cousin and I posted for the entire month, things we were grateful for. I want to bring that back, so I’m going to start a 30 day/November gratitude challenge with y’all and our FB/IG/YouTube followers. Everyday I’ll post and hope you will comment and share the amazing gifts in your life.
The fall of 2016 was the darkest point in my life. Dark Night of the Soul is experienced during awakening, where all the shit comes crashing down. This can be triggered in many ways…trauma, near-death experiences, etc…for me, it was the separation from my Twin Flame. The pain of losing my person, the heart of my heart, soul of my soul was like the sun disappearing, there was nothing but darkness. Needless to say, I was not feeling grateful for much 2 years ago.
January of 2017 was the year of my awakening. I came out of the dark and began the work of finding the light. That spring I was guided to information on the power of gratitude and I began practicing giving thanks daily. Not that I hadn’t in the past, I was raised saying grace before dinner and to always say thank you, but looking back, it was inauthentic, programmed and done out of duty more than genuinely feeling grateful. It felt silly at first, to wake up and say thank you for this new day, to eat slowly, savoring every bite as I said thank you for the food, to give thanks for a hot shower, comfortable bed, roof over my head, the sound of birds chirping, the rain (doesn’t happen much in the desert). I literally spent as many moments as I could just being grateful…for every fucking thing…the sun, music, clean water, my children (even when they were driving me bat-shit crazy), clothes, money for gas, my car that got me to work, my career as a teacher (even though I was beginning to see it was not for me anymore)…you get the idea. Around April, I was beginning to really feel happy, from the inside…I can honestly say it was fucking strange to feel happy, genuinely happy, but there was still work to do. I was still holding anger, resentment, guilt, shame for so much shit in my life and the people who inflicted their pain onto me. Like most of us, I was grateful for the blessings, but still holding low vibrations towards the people, and experiences, that hurt me. One major shift that happened though, is the more I practiced gratitude, the more present I became, the more the things I was grateful for happened…as within, so without…my focus shifted from lack perspective to an abundance mindset.
June of 2017 had me beginning a daily meditation and yoga practice, my awakening in full swing. I cannot tell you enough how absolutely transforming both are to mind, body and spirit. Neither are easy at first, like all things they take practice and commitment…over a year of yoga 5-6 days a week and it’s still not easy, but I am grateful for the challenge. I had also left the public school system I had taught in for 15 years and took a teaching position at a charter school, believing it was a better system for my very out of the box approach to teaching. I was so fucking wrong, so wrong…it was worse, more confining, more robot like, more conformist…all things that insult me at a soul level and I knew it was time to leave the education system. At this point in my Twin Flame journey, we were back to talking everyday, our partnership seemed to be heading in a positive direction, towards union, so I thought….man, I’ve thought a lot of things and awakening has shown me how absolutely fucking backwards we all are. I left teaching fucking angry…I was at peace with my decision, knowing that it wasn’t my place anymore, but fuck was I pissed at a system that I gave my heart and soul to that gave me nothing back. At this point, the Law of Giving and Receiving had become very clear and the awakening to the fact that our government systems were fucked up and don’t give a shit about me, or you, any of us really pissed me the fuck off. I left feeling an enormous amount of love and gratitude towards my students, but that was it. Today, I am so grateful for my teaching career, all of it…even the shitty ass education system that has taught me what we need to fix in this country, in all of our fucked up systems. I am grateful for the shitty pay, gave me another great lesson on giving and receiving…also, on how fucking deserving and worthy I am.
2018 has been my year of ascension, of doing the deepest soul work to transcend the 3D reality, to align with my higher self and evolve. The most work has been related to the lower chakras….releasing fear, guilt, shame, insecurities, etc…going deep to the root of those feelings, childhood & past life regressions to upgrade my DNA, to heal ancestral wounds that had been carried through generations, to heal all the shit all feminines carry, to move into full Unity & Christ consciousness. It has been brutal fucking work, but the blessings and blessons that have come from still blow my mind some days. The amount of self-compassion, forgiveness and love I have had to give myself , and in turn been able to give to others, has not been easy. I have had to move multiple times, had my car repo’d and lost many (so-called) friends. I have struggled to get my business up and running, failed at this blog and my YouTube channel, due to my own insecurities/fears…there have been massive lessons to learn from, but I am grateful for EVERY FUCKING THING, sounds crazy I know…homeless, jobless, broke, what the fuck should I be grateful for?
I have been humbled by the universe and it has given me the lessons needed to be the badass Empath I was born to be. It’s easy to be grateful for the blessings, the good shit that happens in life, but it is the blessons (blessings in the lessons) that are the greatest gifts.
I am grateful for the narcissists (my mother and Ex #2) in my life, they have taught me that there are others who carry far more pain than I. Can you imagine how badly someone must feel to inflict that pain onto others with no remorse? They have taught me how incredibly strong I am, to be able to withstand the pain inflicted and still have the capacity to love, to empathize, to find the light in the darkness. They have taught me, along with other shitty humans, how not to be, who not to be, to always rise above, to be better and do better. I am truly blessed to see my mother grow, through my ability to set boundaries and my insane self-respect. Ex #2 gave me my son and my Twin, I am grateful for his role to bring blessings into my life. Don’t get me wrong, I do not wish these people the best, I wish them to get what they deserve…not my problem, I’m letting the Universe and Karma do it’s thing.
I am grateful for my Twin and this crazy ass Twin Flame journey. He has been my mirror, my catalyst, to awakening, healing, soul liberation…to me…the authentic me and I know we are never separated. Every time he has run, hurt me has only been a reflection of him, his pain, fears and insecurities and strangely, it just makes me send more love, more light to him. There is no separation in this amazing universe…time, space, distance can never separate Twins, nor any of us for that matter.
I am grateful for losing possessions, they’re just things, stuff we carry around and cling to thinking it gives us safety, security, happiness…such a crock of programmed bullshit. There is NOT ONE FUCKING THING outside of you that will bring you the joy, peace, love we are all seeking. Guess what, I’m still here and I now am able to use my Empath superpowers in even more ways because I truly get the shit we all go through. It also showed me, who is important in my life. The people I should invest my energy into.
I am grateful for the family and friends that have bailed, they’ve only made space for better. The people who stick by you when the shit goes down, they’re the only ones you need…and I don’t give one flying fuck if it’s your parent, child, significant other, best friend…if they aren’t there when you need them the most let them fucking go…I promise, as scary as it is, it is for the best…for you to find your tribe, soul family…the people who see you, accept you and love you unconditionally. If the giving and receiving isn’t equal, bail the fuck out, you deserve better. Quality over quantity, loves, my dad taught me that.
So, let’s spread some love, light and gratitude this month. Let’s see ourselves in each other and be grateful for every breath we’re given. Each moment is a gift, a chance to be better and do better, for ourselves and each other. Follow us and our moth of gratitude not only here, but at akmitch1975 on Instagram, or I’m blackbirdoracle on IG/IGTV/YouTube (I do daily guidance readings on IGTV, if you feel guided to check it out). We will also post on our FB page…Oh My Goddess and are intending to get a video up soon on our YouTube channel…OhmMyGoddess. We are so fucking grateful for all the support…our followers here and the likes, subscribes, etc. on our social media.
Sending you all shit tons of love & light & gratitude
P.S. Like everything…the gratitude shift had to begin with me and I am so fucking grateful for me and the people, places and experiences that have contributed to where I am today.
If you don’t listen to the radio, read tabloids, or the internet, I’ll introduce Ariana Grande to you. She’s a pint sized singer who has had 10 songs chart in the top 10. She’s been nominated for several awards, and she’s only 25 years old. She got her start on a terrible Nickelodeon show, and has actually make the transition from child actor to adult singer successfully. Some of her songs are legit bops, and I’d kill for her voice and range. There are rumors that she’s a diva (sometimes deciding that she doesn’t want to walk and making her bodyguards carry her) and most of us saw the tape of her licking donuts.
Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s talk about why I’m blogging about her. We’re not a gossip rag, but we do cover women’s issues, and this is one of them. Arianna’s last boyfriend was a rapper named Mac Miller. I’d never heard of him before his DUI earlier this year, that happened shortly after Ariana Grande broke up with him. Apparently, they’d been together for 2 years, and he was already an admitted addict before they got together. Yikes. I think women, especially when we’re young, have that attraction to a man, and even if he’s got issues, we go for it, certain that we can change them. Spoiler alert: you can’t. Your chances of changing a man for the long haul are slim to none. For any human to change an ingrained behavior, they have to admit that their behavior is a problem and they have to want to change. Yeah, it’s possible that your new man who is a sweetheart unless he’s drunk will make an effort to quit drinking for a while, especially if you’re around, because you ask him to. However, if he doesn’t see it as that big of a problem, he’s not going to change, especially if he’s an alcoholic.
Sometimes I read celebrity gossip when my husband wants me to be cleaning the house, which he thinks I need to change. He doesn’t understand how keeping the house looking perfect at all times isn’t something I care about. I think it would be lovely if I became a person who prioritized scrubbing tile floors and attacking clutter, but it’s not something I see changing. See how that works? In my mind, it’s not that important. I’m not a hoarder living in a shithole, but nobody’s coming to take photos of my perfectly decorated, sparkling crib anytime soon.
Back on topic. So Miller gets in an accident in May for a DUI. He wrapped his car around a pole and blew twice the legal limit. Several sources claim that the biggest factor in Grande’s decision to break up with Miller was his increasing substance abuse. She was in that relationship from the ages of 23-25. She stuck it out for a lot longer than I would hope any young woman I care about did. Miller admitted in many interviews that he had substance abuse issues. He admitted that he wrote and released an entire album with songs about cocaine. Now, do I think that a breakup can lead to an addict increasing the amount of drugs and alcohol he abuses? Absolutely! But do I think that Ariana Grande had any responsibility to stay in a shitty relationship with Miller, his drugs, and his booze? NO. I think the fuck not, and neither did she. This is the statement she released when the internet picked up their pitchforks and blamed her for his DUI.
Ah yes. Woman falls in love with toxic addict. She stays for a long time, supporting him and praying things would change. Surprise! He didn’t change, and eventually she bounced. He’s an adult human being with plenty of money for rehab. He chose not to go. I’m not in their relationship, but I can imagine there were plenty of talks about it. Promises to change. Ultimatums, controlling bullshit, tears, and more broken promises. If any other woman were living in that hell, I’d encourage her to get the fuck out. So, why is it that thousands and thousands of people have been tweeting at Ariana Grande that she’s a murder? That this is her fault? That she caused HIS drug and alcohol abuses? He was a grown ass man. He was a man with a terrible disease (as I believe addiction is) but ultimately we’re responsible for our choices and consequences as adults, especially if your choices hurt other people.
And there’s the rub. If you’re in a healthy serious relationship, your partner needs to be your priority. You don’t get to hurt your partner over and over again and expect them to stay. I can assure you that if I stopped managing my bipolar disorder, woke up every day and punched my husband in the face as hard as I could, then grabbed a baseball bat and hit him in the nuts with it whenever I had an opening, he’d leave me. I have a disease, but if I wasn’t treating it and I inflicted harm upon him every day because I chose not to fight it, my husband is under no obligation to stay with me and take the abuse.
Addicts can love you. Of course they can. They just can’t put you or your needs ahead of their addiction. If you let them, they’ll take your soul, they’ll take your money, they’ll crush your spirit, and then they’ll take more. I don’t think they want to hurt you, but if they’re actively using, they aren’t thinking about how their actions affect you, especially the combined effect of months or years of their bullshit. You will never be the priority in the life of the addict you love.
Why in the fuck would anyone blame a woman for getting out of a toxic relationship? Why? You can try to help a person, but if they refuse to help themselves, the abuse is going to keep on happening.
Now we live in a day and age when any nameless, faceless asshole can directly access celebrities on social media. Do they forget that there are actual human beings behind the @s and the #s? They can say things like,
“THIS IS YOUR FAULT,” “You lowkey evil,” “It’s crazy because you really did kill him,” and the most popular, “Fuck you, @arianagrande you did this.”
No, she didn’t do this. Miller did it. He abused drugs and alcohol to the point that the relationship couldn’t go on. Then he bought more drugs, he took them, and he died. It’s tragic. He was only 26 years and and had a lot of life left to live. He had friends, he had talent, and I’m sure he had a family, but addiction doesn’t care. He had a girlfriend who seems to have loved him, who said she supported him and prayed he’d get better, but she finally had enough. In her own words, she isn’t his babysitter or mother.
I don’t need to be a fan of her to say this. I say it as a human being who has addicts in her life; particularly addicts who have been enabled by others. Let me tell you: that doesn’t work either. Nothing will change until the addict wants to change. Ariana bounced right out of her relationship with Miller to a quickie engagement to Pete Davidson of SNL. I love Pete on SNL, but he’s been very vocal about his own issues with drugs in the past, so it’s possible this young lady might be in for more of the same. As someone who made shitloads of really terrible choices in her 20’s, I know some of us have to make mistakes several times before we learn our lessons.
In the meantime, blame the addiction, and yes, blame the addict. They’re still culpable. However, you cannot blame a romantic partner who has had absolutely enough of this bullshit.
Being raised in the Catholic Church, I know this could cause quite a lot of fear for some. Being a multi-dimensional being, an oracle for information and messages from the Divine, I don’t give a flying fuck. The organized religion bullshit needs to be exposed and people deserve to hear the truth. A lot of what I channel is in relation to the Bible, but I am not going to share those specific messages today. Even as a child I had a problem with the distorted masculine God of the Catholic Church. As I got older, I noticed that all religions’ gods were masculine, but by then I had totally renounced religion. As a teen & young adult, Native American and Eastern practices (not religions) resonated with me. I was telling my neighbor the other night, that I remember being profoundly spiritual, just not religious, from a very young age. Funny thing about a Spiritual Awakening…it’s more of a remembering. The awakening part, from my perspective, is an awakening to universal truths, truths like the one I am about to share. The remembering is all about remembering your truth, remembering who you are at a soul level. So, back to God. I have to admit this topic makes me a bit uncomfortable, but these days I”m all about doing something new, stepping out of my comfort zone to speak the truth and my truth, even if it makes others uncomfortable.
We are energy, that’s what we are. We come from energy, the label you give it is up to you…God, Source, the Universe, the Divine…whichever resonates with you. Our human bodies are just vehicles and we get to choose (kind of) who drives that vehicle…ego or soul? If ego is the driver, and for most it is, the programming has this driver operating from fear and insecurities. This driver is attached in every way to the external world, believing everything is happening to her, that everything is outside of her. She is in the belief that God is something bigger than her and she is at his mercy. She believes that Heaven and Hell are destinations, so death is feared, every fucking action is feared because sinning happens every day and Hell is feared. She believes God, and Jesus, will save her and all she has to do is pray for forgiveness, on her damn knees, every damn night and all is forgiven. I have been this driver, I have given my power away to the external, believing everything was happening to me. You all know that question…why is the happening TO me? Wrong question.
Everything is energy and our souls are piece of the Source, therefore we are Source, we are God, the Divine having a human experience…once we see this Universal truth, soul begins to be the driver of this human vehicle. When the higher self takes the wheel over, the driver knows everything starts within…here it comes…as within, so without. This driver knows she is only in control of her thoughts, her emotions, her actions and anyone else’s are theirs, not hers. She knows that Heaven and Hell are not destinations, but the reality we create with our thoughts. She knows that good/bad are a matter of perspective…nothing is really one, or the other, unless you make it so by attaching emotions & thoughts to the action. Sin is just straight bullshit, created to manipulate, to control the masses by programming fear and insecurity into all of us. The human driven by soul, acting from the heart space knows that she has nothing to fear from God, because living from the heart, from the soul, leads to emotions, thoughts and actions that are based in morality and integrity (something we see very little of these days). See when you love yourself, when you are aligned with the Divine above and within, you can’t not do what is right, you just can’t. This driver knows this and knows NO ONE and NOTHING CAN SAVE HER, but HER. Sure, the Divine is there to help, as are others, but ultimately this driver knows she has to do the work. She also knows Jesus won’t save her ass, either. For fuck sake’s , he was a man, a human with soul as the driver, who became an ascended master like many others. An oracle, a messenger for God…that message was, and still is, very fucking simple…love…love thyself and love thy neighbor. That message seems to have gotten lost in all the bullshit dogma of religion. This higher self, soul driver doesn’t ask why things are happening to her, she knows that everything is happening FOR her…for her to learn, grow and evolve.
I have had both driving my human vehicle, in this lifetime and others. As an Empath, living from my heart space has always been easy, the rest, not so much. This journey has taught me, we must heal all parts to become whole, to become authentic, to let soul take over as the driver. We must be open to a new way of thinking, acting, of being. For me, understanding exactly what God is and ditching the belief he was a someone, something outside of me was a huge breakthrough on my path to self-love. Self and Spirituality go together, you can’t have one without the other. The Catholic God Selfish Mitch and I were conditioned to believe in was a vengeful, judgmental, dare I say…narcissistic God. A God that would punish and take away. A God that created Heaven and Hell and was the ultimate decider of where we would go after this life. More bullshit, btw…energy never dies, it changes, transforms, but never dies. This is not the God I know anymore. Source, the Divine are what I choose to call it and it is nothing but unconditional love, acceptance, empathy, compassion and support. The Divine is always guiding us to what we need, which is not always what we want, but it is given with the hope we will be grateful for the blessings and learn from the blessons (blessings + lessons. because the lessons hold the biggest blessings). The non-physical light beings around us everyday, all day, want nothing but to help us live our most fulfilled, joyful, abundant lives. This is how we are meant to live, but first we have to find that light inside of us…the light that connects us all.
Love and so much Light to you All
P.S. I’m never going to tell you what to believe in, the choice is yours and I respect and love you regardless. I am always writing with the intention to inspire and inform others of how to live your most fulfilled life.
Selfish Mitch and I have talked about this alot…30 years of weight, clothes, hair, make-up, diet…in a society that bases everything on the external, how you look seems like the most important thing ever. Fuck that noise…honestly, that’s pretty much always been my perspective on physical appearance. As an Empath, I have the ability to know people on an energetic, soul level…seeing past the physical and understanding the non-physical. For me, someone’s physical appearance is confirmation of what I am picking up psychically. As within, so without (are y’all sick of me saying this, yet)…how we feel, what we believe, about ourselves on the inside is manifested in the physical. We all know plenty of skinny, pretty people that are so shallow on the inside, the outside doesn’t become so attractive anymore. On the flip side, we all know plenty of people that are not considered “attractive”, by this fucked up society’s standards, but are the BEST people in the world. When Selfish Mitch and I met, way back at 14 (1989 lol), I was not even 5 feet tall, maybe 70 lbs….I don’t know Mitch’s stats off the top of my head, but she was taller and weighed more. I didn’t give a fuck how she looked…when she introduced herself, I saw her soul, her light and I loved her instantly. I can’t really relate my experience to any TV character, as I really don’t watch TV. I’ve never been big on what’s going on in the media and/or celebrities…I just really don’t care about the people chosen to be our role models. As far as I’m concerned, these people are in the public eye to manipulate how we feel and what we believe about ourselves…that we are never enough…smart, skinny, pretty, talented, you get the idea. These are the messages all around us everyday & it’s bullshit.
I’ve never been one to worry about my weight. I”ve always been tiny… I am fine boned and not built to carry much weight. During my pregnancies I gained, of course, and Selfish Mitch, I did hit 166 lbs. at the very end of my first pregnancy (I had gained 51 lbs). However, before my daughter was 6 months old, I was back to 120 lbs. Breastfeeding and some Billy Blanks, Tae-Bo, whipped me right back into shape. The other 2 pregnancies I gained around 40 lbs. and lost the weight due to stress, fatigue and anxiety, brought on by the ending of shitty marriages. Unlike many, I shut down when stressed out. There have been days where I literally cannot bring myself to eat. Not the healthiest way to lose weight, but it’s just who I am and how my body works. I have never been a big eater, I eat to live, not live to eat. I have always just eaten whatever I want, whenever I want and I know many that wish they could do the same. Skinny, fat…that shit doesn’t matter, we all have our shadows. Although, at the end of the second marriage, after years of narcissist abuse, the weight loss wasn’t healthy, like I was going to die if it continued, serious shit…my ob/gyn began monitoring my weight. I was teaching and would have to deal with all kinds of judgmental bullshit in the Teacher’s Lounge. “Do you ever eat?” “I wish I was as thin as you!” “You know you don’t need to lose weight, don’t you?” on & on, daily basis and it sucked. Skinny chicks get shit, too.
The judgments, the rude comments and sexual innuendos. My god, I could write a book on the shit men have said to me about my body. Fucking degrading and disgusting. In high school, I was told I was a carpenter’s dream: flat as a board and easy to nail. At 15 years old, I was flat chested, still am and it never bothered me. At 15 years old, I was a virgin, yet found myself to be a whore because of how I looked, part of that being my size. I was shoved into a locker once, as well, pretty sure it was an option because I’m tiny. I have had more men than I care to count leering at me, making comments about my body and what they would like to do to it. This shit still happens to me at 42…I’m friends with a guy that continually speaks about what he would like to do to me, sexually, even though I have more than once said we are just friends. I’ve flat out said not going to happen, dude. But, he thinks it’s cute and funny to make these comments. On the flip side, I’ve been told I would look better with some more meat on my bones. Selfish Mitch knows a guy, that at her birthday party last year, told me I would look better with bigger boobs and he would buy them for me. My response was, “Thanks, but I love myself just the way I am.” My narc ex told me a few months ago, I look like a meth addict. For the fucking love of Buddha, a meth addict? The shit people project onto others is just fucking ridiculous.
Today, I eat a mostly vegetarian diet, although I don’t believe in following any diet, like everything else for me, there is no box. I listen to my body and it tells me what it needs. I eat when I’m hungry, sometimes that’s once a day with a bunch of snacks. Sometimes, it’s 3 meals a day with a bunch of snacks…my snacks are bananas, nuts, Cliff bars, you get the idea. If I want ice cream, I eat the damn ice cream. I do yoga 5/6 days a week and I walk dogs, 2-5 miles daily…guess what, I’m not going to be gaining any weight anytime soon, so anyone with a problem can fuck right off. On top of eating and exercising, I’m in ascension. Basically, my body is becoming lighter, purer, to hold higher energetic frequencies. Hence, the changes in my diet and being guided to yoga. These changes occur during the spiritual awakening to prepare the physical body for ascension. I will say, the yoga has done some mind blowing things to my body. I have muscles where I’m pretty sure they have never existed before and that is just the cherry on top, when it comes to the benefits of yoga. In the past year, I have come to love my body in ways I never really thought about. Today, I choose to show my body how sacred and loved it is by how I treat it on the daily. I do have one last bad habit though…smoking and it pisses me the fuck off. But, I’m aware and working on it, every damn day.
I’m skinny, tiny, thin…my physical body meets societies expectations, but I really don’t give a fuck and it never stopped people from being aholes to me. The shallow, superficial way of thinking and treating each other needs to stop, like yesterday. If anyone judges, comments, eye rolls, at your body, or what you choose to wear…know this…THEY ARE FUCKING INSECURE and PROJECTING THAT SHIT ONTO YOU…don’t let them take your power, your knowing of who you are and what makes you happy. Here’s the thing, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about YOUR body, it’s your fucking body and you are in it for a reason. If you can’t love your body, as it is, right now…start, it’s an integral part of self-care and self-love and it starts right where your at. Not where you want to be, or intend to be…now. If you can’t love it right this fucking minute, than you’re never going to love it as you imagine it to be, so it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks, does it?
I got my Hungryroot order today and did a quick unboxing for you to see. I’ll be posting some of the meals at @akmitch1975 and @mvdiz on Instagram as I go, mostly so I’ll remember what the hell I ate and how I liked it when I come back and do a review in a week.
Pardon my voice and my face. I’m sick (I think it’s just Muggle sick and not autoimmune related, so that’s good) but it’s not like one can put off an unboxing of temperature sensitive food. You get what you get.
However, this timing is really good, because I need to shock my body back to health and veganism will certainly switch things up. I got tired and sweaty (fever, I’m not that out of shape) just doing this unboxing video. That means pre-chopped, pre-cooked healthy food is exactly what I need right now. I keep saying I’m going to make tabouleh, which I intend to, but I’m hoping I can convince Mr. V to chop up my vegetable for me because I’m pathetic right now.
So here’s what’s in the box, as well as my word vomit that may or not apply to the topic at hand. As I’m sure you’ve come to expect if you’re not brand new here.
Love, light, health, and sorry you have to look at my face in this video,
All female bodies are not the same, nor should they be. AK and I are almost exactly the same age and the same height, for example, but her body is healthiest at a size 0-4, and my body is healthiest at a size 8-12, depending on the brand. I have a broader, more bulkily muscled frame than she does. Her frame and muscles are lean. We’re both beautiful in our own way, and we think all women are too. For us, the goal is to be as healthy as possible, and if we look great, that’s a bonus.
However, if you watch TV or movies, look in fashion magazines and on popular Instagram accounts, you’ll find that the vast majority of women are size 00-4. They might be tall and lean like Taylor Swift, Allison Janney, or Blake Lively, or they may be short and tiny like Ariana Grande and Jada Pinkett Smith, or somewhere in between like Amanda Seyfried and Megan Fox. All of those ladies are beautiful, but Hollywood has a type.
I’m glad that in recent years we’ve seen more representation of different body types in the media. Plus size model Ashley Graham is a great representation of that. Still, have you noticed that in film and television, women who don’t fit in a sample size, like Melissa McCarthy and Chrissy Metz, tend to have story lines that are dependant on weight issues? McCarthy and Metz are both incredibly talented, but Hollywood doesn’t really seem to know what to do with them. Melissa McCarthy is a really talented comedian and seems to really enjoy physical comedy, which is great, but she’s rarely shown as the beautiful, strong, kick ass type. Instead, she’s often in an unflattering wig and clothes that don’t fit, and fat jokes abound. Rebel Wilson is another talented, plus sized actor, and she’s best know for her turns in the Pitch Perfect trilogy, in which she plays a character who goes by “Fat Amy.”
Here’s where Penelope Garcia, who has been played by Kirsten Vangsness on CBS’s Criminal Minds, is revolutionary. Vangsness and I have similar shapes, so when I discovered Criminal Minds earlier this year (I know it’s kicking off its 14th season, don’t @ me), I paid attention. I almost never see women my size represented on screen, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen one as strong, powerful, and put together as this character. Vangsness is a size 12 according to a recent article I found, but she, like most women of my size and shape, can go up and down a bit, especially depending on the brand of clothing you’re buying. She’s not technically “plus sized,” but she’s certainly a body type we don’t see much in Hollywood. She discussed the topic in an interview with Pride.com.
“Stylists on the set of the CBS series have gotten a bit of Vangsness’s do-it-yourself spirit as well. “They kept saying, ‘Can you bring your own clothes? We don’t have anything in your size.’ Because in Hollywood they have size zero and size 22,” says Vangsness, who is a size 12. “But if you lie somewhere between the 12 to 16 range…they keep trying to put you into a size 4. It’s the strangest thing. What ends up happening is they buy four size 2 Marc Jacobs dresses and make one size 12. Then someone out in TV land watches it and is like, ‘I can get that dress.’ No, you can’t because you don’t have a seamstress that will alter exactly to your body. I feel for everybody.”
I feel you, girl. We’re also in that size range where straight sizes fit us strangely and most plus size stuff is too big.
The character of Penelope Garcia is a rich and layered one. She’s a brilliant former computer hacker who leaves the dark web to go to work for the good guys, profiling criminals. She’s strong, witty, and doesn’t apologize for the space her body takes up. She’s confident, a great friend and co-worker, and a solutionary. She’s also a bit of a weirdo, wearing bright clothing and usually a few more accessories than fashion dictates. She has romantic relationships with attractive men and a flirtmance with co-worker Derek Morgan, who is played by the ridiculously attractive Shemar Moore. Their platonic friendship is deep, layered with mutual love and respect, but they never cross the boundary into a romantic relationship. The sexy banter between them would be enough that most HR departments would write them up, but it’s sweet, funny, sexy, and a great break in the middle of serious storylines about psychotic serial killers.
What Penelope Garcia doesn’t do is whine about her weight. She doesn’t come into the office bitching that she only eats carrot sticks and still will never be the size of her gorgeous, athletic, thin, co-worker and close friend, J.J. Nobody suggests Keto or Paleo or the Cabbage Soup diet to Garcia. I haven’t heard anyone say, “Oh, Penelope. You have such a pretty face. Have you tried Pilates?” They do invite her out for drinks, confide in her and love her, and she pays that all right back. She’s been on the show for 13 years, and I’ve never seen Penelope Garcia give a fuck about her weight. She’s healthy, she’s happy, and she loves herself. She doesn’t hide her figure in oversized black sweaters; she flaunts it in bright, sometimes crazy, but flattering patterns. Her hair color changes often, and her makeup is bright. This is a woman who isn’t trying to blend into the wallpaper, making self-deprecating jokes, and waiting to start her life when she hits a magical number on the scale. In a world where people call Beyonce fat and where Scarlett Johansson has been turned down for roles because she’s too curvy, Penelope Garcia living her best life is what we need more of, especially since Vangsness is entering her 14th year of playing this groundbreaking character and I don’t see other shows stepping up and showing other 3 dimensional average sized women. Think about this: Criminal Minds premiered just months after Friends Joey, Chandler, Ross, Phoebe, Rachel and Monica took their final bow. I loved Friends, of course, but the Monica fat shaming was a bad trope. In fact, in the episode about what could have been in alternate futures, tiny Courteney Cox was in Monica’s fat suit, portrayed as an awkward 30 year old virgin who had never been in love and doesn’t seem to have any rich relationships in her life. We haven’t evolved enough since then.
But, Mitch, you say, there are other female fictional characters that appear on screen with more weight than we’re used to seeing. Surely, they can’t all have fat plotlines! I haven’t seen every movie or TV show ever made, so that might be true. I think we’re close with the amazing Aidy Bryant on Saturday Night Live. In fact, she did a Weekend Update segment as herself discussing how hard it is to get roles that don’t revolve around her size. She was once offered a part in a movie. The character didn’t have a name-it was just “Ugly Fat Friend.” Aidy is anything but ugly, and to keep up with SNL’s production schedule, guest starring in other TV shows, and doing stand up and other projects, she must be pretty damn healthy. The great thing about SNL, whether you’re a fan or not, is that the actors often do the sketch writing as well. They have more control over what they do and how they’re seen.
Click play to see Aidy owning this song along with her female castmates and guest star Saoirse Ronan.
We also have the hilarious Katy Mixon headlining her own show on ABC, called “American Housewife.” The show was originally entitled, “The Second Fattest Housewife in Westport.” I have to admit, the character is super relatable to me. Katy’s character, Katie Otto, seems pretty happy with who she is, and she has a loving, supportive, thin, capable husband (which is something I’ll get into in a separate post.) The character and her family move to a super affluent area so their children can have the best education possible, but they’re a middle class family in an area like the Hamptons or Calabasas, and the other moms are tiny, mean, and judgemental. Katy keeps it real, and seems to be happy with herself, but it is hard for her to not fit in with the other moms, even if she really dislikes most of them.
She actually creates extra trouble for herself by pushing back against the other parents. She thinks these people are all shallow and materialistic, and for the most part, they are. She’s concerned about her children’s values changing to reflect those of the new community, and she fights it pretty hard. Still, there are several fat jokes in this show, and some of them are pretty cheap. Also, I think it’s important to note that Katie doesn’t make an effort to know most of the juice cleansing, work out clothes wearing, luxury SUV driving moms, so she’s also being judgemental based on looks. I still call it a bit of progress, just not badass Garcia progress. I do want to note that American Housewife has a different kind of progress-Katy’s best female friends are women of color, and one of them happens to be a lesbian. I love the real-life aspect of that. She has friends who don’t look just like her, who come from different backgrounds. She and her husband are very much in love and rarely put each other down, especially not to the extent we see in other sitcoms. They are portrayed as partners, which is good to see.
In today’s society, even though racists and homophobes, abelists and misogynists still run rampant, they’re being called out. It seems like fat jokes are the last frontier for jokes about people. Hell, even Glee, the show that had a “very special episode” and set it’s social justice warrior mission to music every week, had unchecked fat jokes.
Still, it’s TV. It’s the movies; it’s not real life, right? In today’s society people are influenced by pop culture. TV shows, movies, reality stars, and even the President drop cruel words into our ears and onto our screens, and those words embolden people. We become a sum of our experiences, and if we are constantly taking in “jokes” about fatness, about people being different sized, that seeps into the general consciousness. When Trump calls Rosie O’Donnell a disgusting pig and says Heidi Klum is sadly, no longer a 10, it makes people think it’s OK to say those things as well. (Along with all of his other problematic opinions on “others”.) Sadly, I still hear people refer to people they care about as, “my fat friend? The one who you met at my party two years ago?” That’s the rub about being considered average or larger sized in our culture. You’re reduced to one characteristic; two if you’re lucky.
The fat funny girl. The fat girl with great hair. The fat girl who shouldn’t wear skirts that short. The fat bitch. The fat girl who’s got a great personality. The fat girl who is actually really pretty if you get to know her.
So, how do we react to this? How do we stop it? We can support movies made by female directors and screenwriters. Women, even women in Hollywood, have friends who are more than their weight, and that can come through in their storytelling. We can vote with our dollars for TV shows and movies who are doing it right.
In this world, we can use the internet to tell people exactly what we think of them. The comments any celebrity’s instagram will tell you that. So often people tell them they’re fat, they’re unworthy, unattractive. Don’t do that. If you know people who do that, call them out. Tweet at producers and studios that you want to be represented and respected on screen.
Most importantly, love yourself exactly as you are, exactly as you look right now. I’m working on losing weight put on by some medication right now, because the sudden weight increase has been hell on my joints. I’m working on becoming healthier, and for me that’s about 25 lbs of less fat and more muscle than where I am right now, but I’m not putting my life on hold until my favorite jeans fit again. I still love myself and know and respect myself and my journey.
If you have someone in your life that you see as overweight or fat and that’s part of your description of them, even if it’s only in your internal dialogue, stop that shit now. That person is aware of their weight. You don’t need to tell them. They know about diets and exercise, and if they want to work on losing weight or being healthier for themselves, that’s their journey. It’s not yours. It’s fairly likely they are their own worst critic, so you don’t need to tell them that something is tight or doesn’t look good on them. No, not even if you’re “just worried about their health.” Their health is their own damn business. I have friends who eat like shit, don’t exercise, and binge drink regularly. They almost never have people tell them to change because they’re damaging their health. I polled my friends. Unless they’re over size 10 or they’re size 00 or 0, nobody remarks on their “health”. In fact, I have one friend who drinks daily and smokes like a chimney. Nobody said a word to her about her health until she gained a bit of weight. So fuck that.
Everyone’s body is different. I look thin, strong, and healthy at 155-165 lbs if I’ve been working out. AK, who is my height and age, would look completely different at that weight. That’s my peak healthy weight, but for her, I’m not sure if she hit that weight when she was pregnant and felt huge. I have very thin friends with health problems and a friend who is a size 4X whose doctor constantly remarks on how healthy she is overall. Low blood pressure, great cholesterol numbers, etc. She’s working on losing weight, but she’s doing it her way. You don’t get an opinion or comment.
I’m hoping AK will write a post soon about her experience with people telling her she’s too thin. We hit opposite ends of that spectrum, and that’s not OK either. Sorry this is long, but I have words.
-Love, light, health, and the incredible badassery of Kirstin Vangsness AND Penelope Garcia,