The Path to Happiness Isn’t Where I Expected It To Be -Mitch

 

Oh, hey there. It’s been a while. I’ve been out of sorts. I had a couple more medication changes that fucked me up quite a bit in the past several months, and I kind of hit a wall in my career, personal development, and my relationship, and I certainly didn’t give myself time to grieve the loss of my dog properly. I was exhausted, depressed, and totally unmotivated. I gave zero shits for way too long, and now I’m trying to find my path back to the person I want to be; the best version of myself. I’ve found, though, that I spent way too much time and energy trying to make myself want things that were no longer what was best for me. I was trying so hard to convince myself that my goals should be the same as they were in the past that I didn’t take time to evaluate if those were still things I wanted. I went down a rabbit hole only to finally realize that if I’d achieved those goals, I wouldn’t be happy anyway. I needed to acknowledge that goals change as we do, because it’s tough to let go of things, and that’s totally OK.

It’s hard for me to blog here when I’m not feeling myself, honestly. Our mission is to help women live their best lives, and I was certainly not living mine. Nowhere close. I guess I was practicing self care, if self care looks like eating cookie dough out of a tub. (I mean, I think it CAN look like that, once in a great while, but let’s be honest. Doing it fairly regularly isn’t self care. It’s self harm.) Who the hell was I to help guide anyone else? I was a hot mess. What I guess I really lost sight of, though, is that I’m a woman, and if we’re trying to help women live their best lives, why was I uncomfortable starting with myself? I’m pretty sure there are plenty of people out there going through the same things I am, or who could learn from my journey.

Part of it is that it’s really hard to be totally raw and honest online. The Pinterest/Instagram/Blogosphere corner of the internet is full of people with photoshopped and glossed over lives. I don’t blame anyone for wanting to put their best foot forward, especially in a cruel world full of strangers who sometimes want to make themselves feel better by taking other people down. I find that women, especially, fall into this pattern of behavior. When you’re miserable and things aren’t going your way, it’s a hell of a lot easier to lash out and judge other people than to turn the mirror on ourselves. I know I’ve been guilty of that toxic practice. The nickname Mitch the Bitch didn’t come from thin air. I wear the label “Bitch” proudly when I use my skills to stand up for myself and for people and ideals I love. I’m not so proud if I use it to personally attack people. It doesn’t make me better, it doesn’t make them better, and it doesn’t make the world a better place.

It’s equally as bad when I use my elevated skills of verbal decimation on myself, whether I say it out loud, or I say it inside my head. I’m always up for a good self deprecating joke, honestly, and that will probably never change, but I need to be a lot kinder to myself when I stumble. I need to be a lot more honest with myself, as well. A character trait I’m not terribly fond of is my all or nothing, zero to sixty in ten seconds personality. It’s great to ramp myself up and throw myself into something I care about or to reach towards a goal, but it’s a train wreck when I don’t allow myself room for moderation or failure.

Be real; who else does this? We say, “I stayed on my diet for three days then I ate some fries, so I’ll start again Monday,” or, “I really wanted to start blogging again, and I wrote a couple I’m pretty happy with, but then I ran out of time and motivation and now I look stupid because who the hell wants to follow me?”

The answer to failure shouldn’t be, “Fuck it!” if it’s something you really want. If it’s something that you think will make you really happy, start again today. Commit again right now, and if you stumble, start again right away. Don’t give up, but forgive yourself if you don’t succeed and follow the path that you thought would lead you to your goal. My goal is pretty simple. I want to be healthy and happy. I want to be the best version of myself and I want to help other women do the same. For me, that’s going to require nothing but pure honesty, self love and acceptance, and accountability. I’m going to be honest with myself and right here on this blog. I’m going to love myself to identify self destructive behavior, take some time to analyze why I did it, and find a better way to reach my goals when I start again. I’ve found that what we sometimes think will make us happy isn’t really what we originally think it is. Sometimes, we get so caught up in the minutia of what we are trying to do that we don’t take time along the way to reevaluate and make sure that the place we’re going is still the destination we want to reach.

whitesnake
I can’t say “here I go again” without a Whitesnake reference. My hair band loving heart won’t let me do it.

So here I go again, but not on my own. I have AK and my family, and other amazing, strong friends and mentors to love me and guide me, and maybe I have you. You have me if you need me. Reach out. I don’t care who you are, or where you are in your process. You don’t have to be spiritually awakened, because I know I’m not there yet. You don’t have to know exactly what you want or how the hell to get there, but if you’re reaching for something and you’re not content, hit me up. I’m actually a lot better at advice for other people than I am for myself. Even if I can’t help, I will almost always say something ridiculous and make you laugh and see things from a different perspective.

When we started this blog, I had a clear idea of what I wanted to do here, of what my role should be, and really, what I thought I wanted and what I thought would make me happy. Some of that is still right, and some of that has changed, but I promise, it’s OK to figure it out as you go along. Don’t stay committed to things that don’t serve you. Seriously, knock it off. If you made a goal to run a marathon but you keep injuring yourself, that might not be the right goal for you. There are other ways to get fit and strong. I’m not saying to divorce your husband or quit your job right now, especially if you love them and see a way forward and a future with them that could be fulfilling. I am saying that the way forward might look different than you thought it would, and you need to be open to that.

I have a lot more to say. I want to talk about spirituality and the divine feminine, and  I started this blog to talk about gratitude. I’m going to write about both soon, but this is what came out right now and I’m not second guessing it. This needed to come out for a reason, so here it is. You’ll see the good, the bad, the ugly, and the utterly ridiculous here, so strap in for the ride.

Love, light, forgiveness, and an appropriate amount of cookie dough,

-Selfish Mitch

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The Divine Feminine is Awakening

The great awakening has begun and is only going to continue through the next few years…all will be affected.  Many are like me, First Wave lightworkers (Twin Flames, Empaths, Starseeds, etc.), who are here to assist in the raising the vibration of the planet.  We have gone first and have gone through a lot, I mean a fucking lot of shit, in order to clear the way for the rest of humanity to awaken and ascend.  The 3D density of Gaia, or Earth, is falling.  In it’s place a 4D density, a lighter world, built from the heart space…where Unity and Christ Consciousness prevail and it is being led by humans who resonate as feminine energy…gender plays no role here, it is just the vehicle…it is the soul I speak of when I say feminine/masculine.  The Divine Feminine is rising, awakening to her truth and seeking equality and justice.  Not just for them, but for all of humanity.  We understand that the masculine’s are just as programmed, of not more so, and just as hurt.  We know healing both the masculine and feminine, balancing the energies will heal our children, will create a New Earth for all.

Divine feminines are feeling the call to something better, something different, something magical.  Our intuition is off the mother fucking charts, yet we battle with it…change is not easy and we have not been programmed to be independent in every way, to trust ourselves no matter what others think.  We are needed though and the Universe is assisting us in awakening/ascension, even if it means making us uncomfortable. The Divine knows we are  bad asses and can handle it, learn from it.   We are seeing our truths, breaking free from the labels, expectations, judgments and just general fuckery patriarchal programming has caused.

We are walking away from jobs, careers, relationships…anything that no longer serves us, where giving and receiving are not equal.  We are fucking pissed at patriarchal programming that has us objectified sexually, demeans our intuitive gifts, teaches nurturing, compassion, grace and gentleness are submissive qualities, that emotions are “weak” and let’s be honest, just the general enslavement and dis-empowerment that has gone on for thousands of years, fucking thousands…it’s time, y’all.  The Universe is calling for balance, justice and equality for ALL, no race, no gender, no sexuality biases and Divine Feminines MUST lead the way…WE are leading the way.  I see my sisters awakening everyday, I see many in ascension beginning to step into their missions and share their stories, uniting us.   It’s so damn exciting, challenging fo’ sho, but so fucking exhilarating to know what’s coming and be a part of a change we never believed we would see.

So where does this start…by loving your damn self.  As within, so without.  If you want to be treated with respect, then respect yourself…say no, set boundaries and walk the fuck away from anyone/thing that doesn’t.  If you want abundance, than think and believe you are abundant, release the guilt, shame and resentment that makes you feel unworthy…practice self care, treat yourself as if you are abundant.  If you want love, then be love, forgive and show compassion to those that hurt you…be the perfect partner to/for yourself…take yourself out to eat, to a movie, whatever it is that makes you happy, do it with yourself.  The universe will bring your perfect partner when you’re ready.  My point, focus on you…your happiness, joy, passions, the life you want to create…the rest will work itself out.

Feminines are guided to me daily for advice on all things spiritual, as well as, healing sessions.  I am so happy to help in anyway I can, as I know first hand how amazing, magical and miraculous life can be after awakening.  Yes, the soul work of ascension is hard, but the magic and miracles become more and more frequent…a great motivator to continue doing your healing work.

Divine feminines are awakening.  Awakening to our power, intuitive gifts, strength, grace and dignity.  Releasing shame, guilt, resentment, anger and taking our motherfucking power back.  We are like the phoenix, rising from the ashes of patriarchal programming, to lead the way to balance, justice and equality.  We lead by example and it all starts with love…self-love.

Shit tons of love & light

AK

Divine Feminine Rising

P.S.

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Blessing and Blessons…the practice of Gratitude ~AK

Hey all! In typical AK fashion, I have gone hermit mode…again.  I’m back though and feeling amazing!  The past 2 months of my ascension journey have been intense, some days brutal, but I am grateful for it all.  November has always been one of my favorite months, Thanksgiving my favorite holiday.  A few years ago, my cousin and I posted for the entire month, things we were grateful for.   I want to bring that back, so I’m going to start a 30 day/November gratitude challenge with y’all and our FB/IG/YouTube followers.  Everyday I’ll post and hope you will comment and share the amazing gifts in your life.

The fall of 2016 was the darkest point in my life.  Dark Night of the Soul is experienced during awakening, where all the shit comes crashing down.  This can be triggered in many ways…trauma, near-death experiences, etc…for me, it was the separation from my Twin Flame. The pain of losing my person, the heart of my heart, soul of my soul was like the sun disappearing, there was nothing but darkness.   Needless to say, I was not feeling grateful for much 2 years ago.

January of 2017 was the year of my awakening.  I came out of the dark and began the work of finding the light.  That spring I was guided to information on the power of gratitude and I began practicing giving thanks daily.  Not that I hadn’t in the past, I was raised saying grace before dinner and to always say thank you, but looking back, it was inauthentic, programmed and done out of duty more than genuinely feeling grateful.  It felt silly at first, to wake up and say thank you for this new day, to eat slowly, savoring every bite as I said thank you for the food, to give thanks for a hot shower, comfortable bed, roof over my head, the sound of birds chirping, the rain (doesn’t happen much in the desert).  I literally spent as many moments as I could just being grateful…for every fucking thing…the sun, music, clean water, my children (even when they were driving me bat-shit crazy), clothes, money for gas, my car that got me to work, my career as a teacher (even though I was beginning to see it was not for me anymore)…you get the idea.  Around April, I was beginning to really feel happy, from the inside…I can honestly say it was fucking strange to feel happy, genuinely happy, but there was still work to do.  I was still holding anger, resentment, guilt, shame for so much shit in my life and the people who inflicted their pain onto me.  Like most of us, I was grateful for the blessings, but still holding low vibrations towards the people, and experiences, that hurt me.  One major shift that happened though, is the more I practiced gratitude, the more present I became, the more the things I was grateful for happened…as within, so without…my focus shifted from lack perspective to an abundance mindset.

June of 2017 had me beginning a daily meditation and yoga practice, my awakening in full swing.  I cannot tell you enough how absolutely transforming both are to mind, body and spirit.  Neither are easy at first, like all things they take practice and commitment…over a year of yoga 5-6 days a week and it’s still not easy, but I am grateful for the challenge.  I had also left the public school system I had taught in for 15 years and took a teaching position at a charter school, believing it was a better system for my very out of the box approach to teaching.  I was so fucking wrong, so wrong…it was worse, more confining, more robot like, more conformist…all things that insult me at a soul level and I knew it was time to leave the education system.  At this point in my Twin Flame journey, we were back to talking everyday, our partnership seemed to be heading in a positive direction, towards union, so I thought….man, I’ve thought a lot of things and awakening has shown me how absolutely fucking backwards we all are.  I left teaching fucking angry…I was at peace with my decision, knowing that it wasn’t my place anymore, but fuck was I pissed at a system that I gave my heart and soul to that gave me nothing back.  At this point, the Law of Giving and Receiving had become very clear and the awakening to the fact that our government systems were fucked up and don’t give a shit about me, or you, any of us really pissed me the fuck off.  I left feeling an enormous amount of love and gratitude towards my students, but that was it.  Today, I am so grateful for my teaching career, all of it…even the shitty ass education system that has taught me what we need to fix in this country, in all of our fucked up systems.  I am grateful for the shitty pay, gave me another great lesson on giving and receiving…also, on how fucking deserving and worthy I am.

2018 has been my year of ascension, of doing the deepest soul work to transcend the 3D reality, to align with my higher self and evolve.  The most work has been related to the lower chakras….releasing fear, guilt, shame, insecurities, etc…going deep to the root of those feelings, childhood & past life regressions to upgrade my DNA, to heal ancestral wounds that had been carried through generations, to heal all the shit all feminines carry, to move into full Unity & Christ consciousness.  It has been brutal fucking work, but the blessings and blessons that have come from still blow my mind some days.  The amount of self-compassion, forgiveness and love I have had to give myself , and in turn been able to give to others, has not been easy.  I have had to move multiple times, had my car repo’d and lost many (so-called) friends. I have struggled to get my business up and running, failed at this blog and my YouTube channel, due to my own insecurities/fears…there have been massive lessons to learn from, but I am grateful for EVERY FUCKING THING, sounds crazy I know…homeless, jobless, broke, what the fuck should I be grateful for?

I have been humbled by the universe and it has given me the lessons needed to be the badass Empath I was born to be.  It’s easy to be grateful for the blessings, the good shit that happens in life, but it is the blessons (blessings in the lessons) that are the greatest gifts.

I am grateful for the narcissists (my mother and Ex #2) in my life, they have taught me that there are others who carry far more pain than I.  Can you imagine how badly someone must feel to inflict that pain onto others with no remorse?   They have taught me how incredibly strong I am, to be able to withstand the pain inflicted and still have the capacity to love, to empathize, to find the light in the darkness.  They have taught me, along with other shitty humans, how not to be, who not to be, to always rise above, to be better and do better.  I am truly blessed to see my mother grow, through my ability to set boundaries and my insane self-respect.  Ex #2 gave me my son and my Twin, I am grateful for his role to bring blessings into my life. Don’t get me wrong, I do not wish these people the best, I wish them to get what they deserve…not my problem, I’m letting the Universe and Karma do it’s thing.

I am grateful for my Twin and this crazy ass Twin Flame journey.  He has been my mirror, my catalyst, to awakening, healing, soul liberation…to me…the authentic me and I know we are never separated. Every time he has run, hurt me has only been a reflection of him, his pain, fears and insecurities and strangely, it just makes me send more love, more light to him.  There is no separation in this amazing universe…time, space, distance can never separate Twins, nor any of us for that matter.

I am grateful for losing possessions, they’re just things, stuff we carry around and cling to thinking it gives us safety, security, happiness…such a crock of programmed bullshit.  There is NOT ONE FUCKING THING outside of you that will bring you the joy, peace, love we are all seeking.  Guess what, I’m still here and I now am able to use my Empath superpowers in even more ways because I truly get the shit we all go through.  It also showed me, who is important in my life.  The people I should invest my energy into.

I am grateful for the family and friends that have bailed, they’ve only made space for better.  The people who stick by you when the shit goes down, they’re the only ones you need…and I don’t give one flying fuck if it’s your parent, child, significant other, best friend…if they aren’t there when you need them the most let them fucking go…I promise, as scary as it is, it is for the best…for you to find your tribe, soul family…the people who see you, accept you and love you unconditionally.  If the giving and receiving isn’t equal, bail the fuck out, you deserve better.  Quality over quantity, loves, my dad taught me that.

So, let’s spread some love, light and gratitude this month.  Let’s see ourselves in each other and be grateful for every breath we’re given.  Each moment is a gift, a chance to be better and do better, for ourselves and each other.  Follow us and our moth of gratitude not only here, but at akmitch1975 on Instagram, or I’m blackbirdoracle on IG/IGTV/YouTube (I do daily guidance readings on IGTV, if you feel guided to check it out).  We will also post on our FB page…Oh My Goddess and are intending to get a video up soon on our YouTube channel…OhmMyGoddess.  We are so fucking grateful for all the support…our followers here and the likes, subscribes, etc. on our social media.

Sending you all shit tons of love & light & gratitude

AK

Grateful Goddess

P.S.  Like everything…the gratitude shift had to begin with me and I am so fucking grateful for me and the people, places and experiences that have contributed to where I am today.

People Are Blaming Ariana Grande for Mac Miller’s Death, and It’s Wrong. -Mitch

macgrande

If you don’t listen to the radio, read tabloids, or the internet, I’ll introduce Ariana Grande to you. She’s a pint sized singer who has had 10 songs chart in the top 10. She’s been nominated for several awards, and she’s only 25 years old. She got her start on a terrible Nickelodeon show, and has actually make the transition from child actor to adult singer successfully. Some of her songs are legit bops, and I’d kill for her voice and range. There are rumors that she’s a diva (sometimes deciding that she doesn’t want to walk and making her bodyguards carry her) and most of us saw the tape of her licking donuts.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s talk about why I’m blogging about her. We’re not a gossip rag, but we do cover women’s issues, and this is one of them. Arianna’s last boyfriend was a rapper named Mac Miller. I’d never heard of him before his DUI earlier this year, that happened shortly after Ariana Grande broke up with him. Apparently, they’d been together for 2 years, and he was already an admitted addict before they got together. Yikes. I think women, especially when we’re young, have that attraction to a man, and even if he’s got issues, we go for it, certain that we can change them. Spoiler alert: you can’t. Your chances of changing a man for the long haul are slim to none. For any human to change an ingrained behavior, they have to admit that their behavior is a problem and they have to want to change. Yeah, it’s possible that your new man who is a sweetheart unless he’s drunk will make an effort to quit drinking for a while, especially if you’re around, because you ask him to. However, if he doesn’t see it as that big of a problem, he’s not going to change, especially if he’s an alcoholic.

Sometimes I read celebrity gossip when my husband wants me to be cleaning the house, which he thinks I need to change. He doesn’t understand how keeping the house looking perfect at all times isn’t something I care about. I think it would be lovely if I became a person who prioritized scrubbing tile floors and attacking clutter, but it’s not something I see changing. See how that works? In my mind, it’s not that important. I’m not a hoarder living in a shithole, but nobody’s coming to take photos of my perfectly decorated, sparkling crib anytime soon.

Back on topic. So Miller gets in an accident in May for a DUI. He wrapped his car around a pole and blew twice the legal limit. Several sources claim that the biggest factor in Grande’s decision to break up with Miller was his increasing substance abuse. She was in that relationship from the ages of 23-25. She stuck it out for a lot longer than I would hope any young woman I care about did. Miller admitted in many interviews that he had substance abuse issues. He admitted that he wrote and released an entire album with songs about cocaine. Now, do I think that a breakup can  lead to an addict increasing the amount of drugs and alcohol he abuses? Absolutely! But do I think that Ariana Grande had any responsibility to stay in a shitty relationship with Miller, his drugs, and his booze? NO. I think the fuck not, and neither did she. This is the statement she released when the internet picked up their pitchforks and blamed her for his DUI.

arianastatement

Ah yes. Woman falls in love with toxic addict. She stays for a long time, supporting him and praying things would change. Surprise! He didn’t change, and eventually she bounced. He’s an adult human being with plenty of money for rehab. He chose not to go. I’m not in their relationship, but I can imagine there were plenty of talks about it. Promises to change. Ultimatums, controlling bullshit, tears, and more broken promises. If any other woman were living in that hell, I’d encourage her to get the fuck out. So, why is it that thousands and thousands of people have been tweeting at Ariana Grande that she’s a murder? That this is her fault? That she caused HIS drug and alcohol abuses? He was a grown ass man. He was a man with a terrible disease (as I believe addiction is) but ultimately we’re responsible for our choices and consequences as adults, especially if your choices hurt other people.

And there’s the rub. If you’re in a healthy serious relationship, your partner needs to be your priority. You don’t get to hurt your partner over and over again and expect them to stay. I can assure you that if I stopped managing my bipolar disorder, woke up every day and punched my husband in the face as hard as I could, then grabbed a baseball bat and hit him in the nuts with it whenever I had an opening, he’d leave me. I have a disease, but if I wasn’t treating it and I inflicted harm upon him every day because I chose not to fight it, my husband is under no obligation to stay with me and take the abuse.

Addicts can love you. Of course they can. They just can’t put you or your needs ahead of their addiction. If you let them, they’ll take your soul, they’ll take your money, they’ll crush your spirit, and then they’ll take more. I don’t think they want to hurt you, but if they’re actively using, they aren’t thinking about how their actions affect you, especially the combined effect of months or years of their bullshit. You will never be the priority in the life of the addict you love.

Why in the fuck would anyone blame a woman for getting out of a toxic relationship? Why? You can try to help a person, but if they refuse to help themselves, the abuse is going to keep on happening.

Now we live in a day and age when any nameless, faceless asshole can directly access celebrities on social media. Do they forget that there are actual human beings behind the @s and the #s? They can say things like,

“THIS IS YOUR FAULT,” “You lowkey evil,” “It’s crazy because you really did kill him,” and the most popular, “Fuck you, @arianagrande you did this.”

No, she didn’t do this. Miller did it. He abused drugs and alcohol to the point that the relationship couldn’t go on. Then he bought more drugs, he took them, and he died. It’s tragic. He was only 26 years and and had a lot of life left to live. He had friends, he had talent, and I’m sure he had a family, but addiction doesn’t care. He had a girlfriend who seems to have loved him, who said she supported him and prayed he’d get better, but she finally had enough. In her own words, she isn’t his babysitter or mother.

I don’t need to be a fan of her to say this. I say it as a human being who has addicts in her life; particularly addicts who have been enabled by others. Let me tell you: that doesn’t work either. Nothing will change until the addict wants to change. Ariana bounced right out of her relationship with Miller to a quickie engagement to Pete Davidson of SNL. I love Pete on SNL, but he’s been very vocal about his own issues with drugs in the past, so it’s possible this young lady might be in for more of the same. As someone who made shitloads of really terrible choices in her 20’s, I know some of us have to make mistakes several times before we learn our lessons.

In the meantime, blame the addiction, and yes, blame the addict. They’re still culpable. However, you cannot blame a romantic partner who has had absolutely enough of this bullshit.

-Love, light, and accountability,

Mitch

 

 

 

 

 

God is NOT a Woman, God is NOT a Man, for Fuck’s Sake…God is NOT HUMAN~AK

Being raised in the Catholic Church, I know this could cause quite a lot of fear for some.  Being a multi-dimensional being, an oracle for information and messages from the Divine, I don’t give a flying fuck.  The organized religion bullshit needs to be exposed and people deserve to hear the truth.  A lot of what I channel is in relation to the Bible, but I am not going to share those specific messages today.  Even as a child I had a problem with the distorted masculine God of the Catholic Church.  As I got older,  I noticed that all religions’ gods were masculine, but by then I had totally renounced religion.  As a teen & young adult, Native American and Eastern practices (not religions) resonated with me.  I was telling my neighbor the other night, that I remember being profoundly spiritual, just not religious, from a very young age.  Funny thing about a Spiritual Awakening…it’s more of a remembering.  The awakening part, from my perspective, is an awakening to universal truths, truths like the one I am about to share.  The remembering is all about remembering your truth, remembering who you are at a soul level.  So, back to God.  I have to admit this topic makes me a bit uncomfortable, but these days I”m all about doing something new, stepping out of my comfort zone to speak the truth and my truth, even if it makes others uncomfortable.

We are energy, that’s what we are.  We come from energy, the label you give it is up to you…God, Source, the Universe, the Divine…whichever resonates with you.  Our human bodies are just vehicles and we get to choose (kind of) who drives that vehicle…ego or soul?  If ego is the driver, and for most it is, the programming has this driver operating from fear and insecurities.  This driver is attached in every way to the external world, believing everything is happening to her, that everything is outside of her.  She is in the belief that God is something bigger than her and she is at his mercy.  She believes that Heaven and Hell are destinations, so death is feared, every fucking action is feared because sinning happens every day and Hell is feared.  She believes God, and Jesus, will save her and all she has to do is pray for forgiveness, on her damn knees, every damn night and all is forgiven.  I have been this driver, I have given my power away to the external, believing everything was happening to me. You all know that question…why is the happening TO me?  Wrong question.

Everything is energy and our souls are piece of the Source, therefore we are Source, we are God, the Divine having a human experience…once we see this Universal truth, soul begins to be the driver of this human vehicle.  When the higher self takes the wheel over, the driver knows everything starts within…here it comes…as within, so without.  This driver knows she is only in control of her thoughts, her emotions, her actions and anyone else’s are theirs, not hers.  She knows that Heaven and Hell  are not destinations, but the reality we create with our thoughts.  She knows that good/bad are a matter of perspective…nothing is really one, or the other, unless you make it so by attaching emotions & thoughts to the action.  Sin is just straight bullshit, created to manipulate, to control the masses by programming fear and insecurity into all of us.  The human driven by soul, acting from the heart space knows that she has nothing to fear from God, because living from the heart, from the soul, leads to emotions, thoughts and actions that are based in morality and integrity (something we see very little of these days).  See when you love yourself, when you are aligned with the Divine above and within, you can’t not do what is right, you just can’t.  This driver knows this and knows NO ONE and NOTHING CAN SAVE HER, but HER.  Sure, the Divine is there to help, as are others, but ultimately this driver knows she has to do the work.  She also knows Jesus won’t save her ass, either.  For fuck sake’s , he was a man, a human with soul as the driver, who became an ascended master like many others.  An oracle, a messenger for God…that message was, and still is, very fucking simple…love…love thyself and love thy neighbor.  That message seems to have gotten lost in all the bullshit dogma of religion.  This higher self, soul driver doesn’t ask why things are happening to her, she knows that everything is happening FOR her…for her to learn, grow and evolve.

I have had both driving my human vehicle, in this lifetime and others.  As an Empath,  living from my heart space has always been easy, the rest, not so much.  This journey has taught me, we must heal all parts to become whole, to become authentic, to let soul take over as the driver.  We must be open to a new way of thinking, acting, of being.  For me, understanding exactly what God is and ditching the belief he was a someone, something outside of me was a huge breakthrough on my path to self-love.  Self and Spirituality go together, you can’t have one without the other. The Catholic God Selfish Mitch and I were conditioned to believe in was a vengeful, judgmental, dare I say…narcissistic God.  A God that would punish and take away.  A God that created Heaven and Hell and was the ultimate decider of where we would go after this life.  More bullshit, btw…energy never dies, it changes, transforms, but never dies.  This is not the God I know anymore.  Source, the Divine are what I choose to call it and it is nothing but unconditional love, acceptance, empathy, compassion and support.  The Divine is always guiding us to what we need, which is not always what we want, but it is given with the hope we will be grateful for the blessings and learn from the blessons (blessings + lessons. because the lessons hold the biggest blessings).  The non-physical light beings around us everyday, all day, want nothing but to help us live our most fulfilled, joyful, abundant lives.  This is how we are meant to live, but first we have to find that light inside of us…the light that connects us all.

Love and so much Light to you All

AK

P.S.  I’m never going to tell you what to believe in, the choice is yours and I respect and love you regardless.  I am always writing with the intention to inspire and inform others of how to live your most fulfilled life.

P.P.S.

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What Are You Waiting For? -Mitch

I’ll start Monday.

I’ll do it when I lose 10 lbs.

Just wait until my credit cards are paid off.

I need to wait until my kids are older.

I need to wait until I get a raise, or a promotion, or all of the stars and my charts and the planets and everyone I know aligns with my goals, when it’s going to be easier for me to do.

I’m telling you right now that you need to STOP THAT. I can’t tell you how many goals and dreams I’ve let slip away because I was waiting. Waiting for what? All of the above, and more. I think it’s normal that we’ll never do and become everything we dream of. Sometimes fantasies are a fun, safe escape, like thinking of what kind of home you’d buy if you won the lottery or where you’d go on your dream date with Luke Hemsworth.

I always wanted to be an actress, and enrolled as a journalism major and a theater minor in my first year of college, but I doubted myself too much and let the dream of acting go. My teeth had a gap, and even though I was only maybe 10 lbs overweight at the time, I’ve always had a curvy, hourglass shape that wasn’t popular in the 90’s era of Kate Moss and heroin chic. I was thin, healthy, talented, beautiful and creative, but I had no confidence in myself. I convinced myself that there was no money in acting, which is actually pretty true for the vast majority of people who give it a shot, and switched my major to business. I didn’t give a shit about becoming a general “business person” so I dropped out of college. I let a goal go, but since I was so mired in manufactured self pity, I didn’t set another one. I got drunk and let depression set in. I did end up going back to school, and didn’t graduate for financial reasons, but that ended up being an amazing decision for different reasons.

There are other, more achievable goals that are gone because I waited for the right time. I know everybody has them. I felt really called to go back to school and get a degree in Nutrition, but I waited until I was more financially stable. This was in 2008, right as the economy crashed and the real estate market went into the dumpster. I was hit pretty hard by that. I was (and still am) a Realtor in the Phoenix area, and we work on commission. Our companies don’t pay us a salary–we are independent contractors. If you don’t sell a home you don’t get paid. On top of that, the median home price went from about $300,000 to about $113,000. When you make a percentage of the sales price, that hurts. My husband was a finance manager at a luxury car dealership, and people really slowed down their luxury purchases during the recession. The value of our home, like every other home in the metro area, tanked as well. On top of it, 2008 is when I first developed the symptoms of chronic illness I’m still dealing with. There’s a school of thought that says that some people are prone to develop autoimmune diseases, and it takes a period of stress or a traumatic injury to kind of turn the disease “on.” I believe that the prolonged mental stress and the unhealthy way I dealt with it may have advanced my conditions. Once you have them, you have them for life.

I’m lucky that I’ve had remissions from Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis. I know that my best shot at helping myself go into remission is to exercise regularly, eat really clean, avoiding gluten,sugar, and peanuts, and limiting dairy and other grains. I’ve been tested and those foods are inflammatory to my system, and I know from trial and error (mostly error…shit tons of error) that I feel much better when I follow those rules. I have’t found a medication whose benefits outweigh the side effects. I have wanted to study holistic nutrition, because from where I stand, Western medicine is doing an absolutely fucking terrible job of treating autoimmune disease. What works for one person will make another person worse, and vice versa. There are a bunch of autoimmune disorders, and often times, when you have one, more eventually come to join in.

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Thankfully, most of Western Medicine has evolved far from the old days. Still, in my experience, Rheumatology hasn’t done much but be able to identify diseases and treat them with drugs that, in my opinion, have worse side effects than cocaine. 

Knowing what I know now, I would have figured out a way to go back to school at that time. Working as a nutritionist in a traditional setting generally requires a master’s degree, while I’m a few credits away from a bachelor’s degree in a totally different field. If I’d taken the leap then, I would have been in my mid to late 30’s upon graduation. If I were to do it now, I’d be in my late 40’s, and with the cost of college, I don’t want to start a new career at that age and have to deal with student loans until I’m in my 60’s.

There is, however, a naturopathic school in my area that has a short program that’s a lot more affordable and only lasts about 15 months. That’s now on my list of goals. It doesn’t give the kind of accreditation I’d need to work in a hospital or nursing home, for example, but I like learning for the sake of learning and I’m certain I could find a niche for that education.

Another goal I let slip away was traveling. I had my son at 23. The goal was never to have a child so young. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kid a lot and wouldn’t trade him for the world, but I’d wanted to wait until I’d finished college and had done some traveling before settling down with kids. In fact, I always thought I wanted 5 kids. Haha. That was before I had one and realized that I could do a good job raising him, but I was too selfish to be an adequate mother to more kids. I did the math and realized that I’d be 41 when he graduated from high school and was on his own. I knew I’d be young and healthy and able to travel at that time. Well. Life had other plans that didn’t involve that health that I was sure to have. Flying is actually pretty tough on me, since I take medication to suppress my immune system so it doesn’t kill me. I mean, that’s cool, but when I’m in a tin can in the sky that recirculates air that every other potentially ill passenger has been breathing, it leaves me prone to illness and infection.

Of course, there was a time when my son was young that my husband and I absolutely could have traveled. My son stayed with his dad, my ex-husband, for a week or more at times. We had the financial means to travel anywhere we wanted once in a while, but we didn’t do it. We made short trips to Vegas and weekends in the high country of Arizona, but we put off traveling abroad.

There are a lot of other examples that I won’t get into, but we all have goals we waited for. Some of them aren’t important to us. Some of them may have even been harmful or spun our lives in a terrible direction had we achieved them. I love myself, just as I am right now, and I’m the sum of my experiences from before I was born to the moment I’m typing this. Who would I be if I made different choices? I’ll never know, and that’s OK. What I do know is who I am right now is amazing, and I’m going to love the person I am right now unconditionally and let her know it’s OK to reach for her goals.

I recently filmed a small part in a short film. I’m up about 25 lbs from where I want to be, but as I researched how to get back into acting, that didn’t even occur to me. I’m in such a better mental place right now than I was as a confused, insecure 17 year old college student, that I didn’t realize until I talked to AK on the phone yesterday that the old me would have waited until I got my weight back down to apply for roles.

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Quick selfie with the actors playing the 5-0 before filming my final scene in my first short film.

While I have many goals yet to reach, and many that I’ve let go, for better or worse, I think I’ve climbed my highest mountain. Loving myself, and being confident in myself, has been something I never thought I could fully do. I still need to work on some things. I could cut some of the self-deprecating humor, but honestly, I find most of it hilarious. I need to work on treating my body better, as emotional eating is still an issue. There’s more…of course there is. None of us is perfect.

We can always improve, but we have to start where we are. Start today. Start right now. Don’t wait until Monday, or until your kids are in school. Start taking steps towards what you want, even if they’re tiny baby steps. Don’t forget how truly amazing and unique you are. Go get it.

Love, light, and kick-ass confidence,

-Selfish Mitch

 

 

 

 

 

Can’t Win Either Way, so Fuck Them… A Skinny Perspective-AK

Selfish Mitch and I have talked about this alot…30 years of weight, clothes, hair, make-up, diet…in a society that bases everything on the external, how you look seems like the most important thing ever.  Fuck that noise…honestly, that’s pretty much always been my perspective on physical appearance.  As an Empath, I have the ability to know people on an energetic, soul level…seeing past the physical and understanding the non-physical.  For me, someone’s physical appearance is confirmation of what I am picking up psychically.  As within, so without (are y’all sick of me saying this, yet)…how we feel, what we believe, about ourselves on the inside is manifested in the physical.  We all know plenty of skinny, pretty people that are so shallow on the inside, the outside doesn’t become so attractive anymore.  On the flip side, we all know plenty of people that are not considered “attractive”, by this fucked up society’s standards, but are the BEST people in the world.  When Selfish Mitch and I met, way back at 14 (1989 lol), I was not even 5 feet tall, maybe 70 lbs….I don’t know Mitch’s stats off the top of my head, but she was taller and weighed more.  I didn’t give a fuck how she looked…when she introduced herself, I saw her soul, her light and I loved her instantly.  I can’t really relate my experience to any TV character, as I really don’t watch TV.  I’ve never been big on what’s going on in the media and/or celebrities…I just really don’t care about the people chosen to be our role models.  As far as I’m concerned, these people are in the public eye to manipulate how we feel and what we believe about ourselves…that we are never enough…smart, skinny, pretty, talented, you get the idea.  These are the messages all around us everyday & it’s bullshit.

I’ve never been one to worry about my weight. I”ve always been tiny… I am fine boned and not built to carry much weight.  During my pregnancies I gained, of course, and Selfish Mitch, I did hit 166 lbs. at the very end of my first pregnancy (I had gained 51 lbs).  However, before my daughter was 6 months old, I was back to 120 lbs.  Breastfeeding and some Billy Blanks, Tae-Bo, whipped me right back into shape.  The other 2 pregnancies I gained around 40 lbs. and lost the weight due to stress, fatigue and anxiety, brought on by the ending of shitty marriages.  Unlike many, I shut down when stressed out.  There have been days where I literally cannot bring myself to eat. Not the healthiest way to lose weight, but it’s just who I am and how my body works. I have never been a big eater, I eat to live, not live to eat.  I have always just eaten whatever I want, whenever I want and I know many that wish they could do the same.  Skinny, fat…that shit doesn’t matter, we all have our shadows.  Although, at the end of the second marriage, after years of narcissist abuse, the weight loss wasn’t healthy, like I was going to die if it continued, serious shit…my ob/gyn began monitoring my weight.  I was teaching and would have to deal with all kinds of judgmental bullshit in the Teacher’s Lounge.  “Do you ever eat?”  “I wish I was as thin as you!”  “You know you don’t need to lose weight, don’t you?” on & on, daily basis and it sucked.  Skinny chicks get shit, too.

The judgments, the rude comments and sexual innuendos.  My god, I could write a book on the shit men have said to me about my body.  Fucking degrading and disgusting.  In high school, I was told I was a carpenter’s dream:  flat as a board and easy to nail.  At 15 years old, I was flat chested, still am and it never bothered me.  At 15 years old, I was a virgin, yet found myself to be a whore because of how I looked, part of that being my size. I was shoved into a locker once, as well, pretty sure it was an option because I’m tiny. I have had more men than I care to count leering at me, making comments about my body and what they would like to do to it.  This shit still happens to me at 42…I’m friends with a guy that continually speaks about what he would like to do to me, sexually, even though I have more than once said we are just friends.  I’ve flat out said not going to happen, dude.  But, he thinks it’s cute and funny to make these comments.  On the flip side, I’ve been told I would look better with some more meat on my bones.  Selfish Mitch knows a guy, that at her birthday party last year, told me I would look better with bigger boobs and he would buy them for me.  My response was, “Thanks, but I love myself just the way I am.” My narc ex told me a few months ago, I look like a meth addict.  For the fucking love of Buddha, a meth addict?  The shit people project onto others is just fucking ridiculous.

Today, I eat a mostly vegetarian diet, although I don’t believe in following any diet, like everything else for me, there is no box.  I listen to my body and it tells me what it needs.  I eat when I’m hungry, sometimes that’s once a day with a bunch of snacks.  Sometimes, it’s 3 meals a day with a bunch of snacks…my snacks are bananas, nuts, Cliff bars, you get the idea.  If I want ice cream, I eat the damn ice cream.  I do yoga 5/6 days a week and I walk dogs, 2-5 miles daily…guess what, I’m not going to be gaining any weight anytime soon, so anyone with a problem can fuck right off.  On top of eating and exercising,  I’m in ascension.  Basically, my body is becoming lighter, purer, to hold higher energetic frequencies.  Hence, the changes in my diet and being guided to yoga.  These changes occur during the spiritual awakening to prepare the physical body for ascension.  I will say, the yoga has done some mind blowing things to my body.  I have muscles where I’m pretty sure they have never existed before and that is just the cherry on top, when it comes to the benefits of yoga.  In the past year, I have come to love my body in ways I never really thought about.  Today,  I choose to show my body how sacred and loved it is by how I treat it on the daily.  I do have one last bad habit though…smoking and it pisses me the fuck off.  But, I’m aware and working on it, every damn day.

I’m skinny, tiny, thin…my physical body meets societies expectations, but I really don’t give a fuck and it never stopped people from being aholes to me.  The shallow, superficial way of thinking and treating each other needs to stop, like yesterday.  If anyone judges, comments, eye rolls, at your body, or what you choose to wear…know this…THEY ARE FUCKING INSECURE and PROJECTING THAT SHIT ONTO YOU…don’t let them take your power, your knowing of who you are and what makes you happy.  Here’s the thing, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about YOUR body, it’s your fucking body and you are in it for a reason.  If you can’t love your body, as it is, right now…start, it’s an integral part of self-care and self-love and it starts right where your at.  Not where you want to be, or intend to be…now.  If you can’t love it right this fucking minute, than you’re never going to love it as you imagine it to be, so it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks, does it?

Peace Love and Light To Every Shape & Size

AK

P.S.

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