Selfish Mitch and I have talked about this alot…30 years of weight, clothes, hair, make-up, diet…in a society that bases everything on the external, how you look seems like the most important thing ever. Fuck that noise…honestly, that’s pretty much always been my perspective on physical appearance. As an Empath, I have the ability to know people on an energetic, soul level…seeing past the physical and understanding the non-physical. For me, someone’s physical appearance is confirmation of what I am picking up psychically. As within, so without (are y’all sick of me saying this, yet)…how we feel, what we believe, about ourselves on the inside is manifested in the physical. We all know plenty of skinny, pretty people that are so shallow on the inside, the outside doesn’t become so attractive anymore. On the flip side, we all know plenty of people that are not considered “attractive”, by this fucked up society’s standards, but are the BEST people in the world. When Selfish Mitch and I met, way back at 14 (1989 lol), I was not even 5 feet tall, maybe 70 lbs….I don’t know Mitch’s stats off the top of my head, but she was taller and weighed more. I didn’t give a fuck how she looked…when she introduced herself, I saw her soul, her light and I loved her instantly. I can’t really relate my experience to any TV character, as I really don’t watch TV. I’ve never been big on what’s going on in the media and/or celebrities…I just really don’t care about the people chosen to be our role models. As far as I’m concerned, these people are in the public eye to manipulate how we feel and what we believe about ourselves…that we are never enough…smart, skinny, pretty, talented, you get the idea. These are the messages all around us everyday & it’s bullshit.
I’ve never been one to worry about my weight. I”ve always been tiny… I am fine boned and not built to carry much weight. During my pregnancies I gained, of course, and Selfish Mitch, I did hit 166 lbs. at the very end of my first pregnancy (I had gained 51 lbs). However, before my daughter was 6 months old, I was back to 120 lbs. Breastfeeding and some Billy Blanks, Tae-Bo, whipped me right back into shape. The other 2 pregnancies I gained around 40 lbs. and lost the weight due to stress, fatigue and anxiety, brought on by the ending of shitty marriages. Unlike many, I shut down when stressed out. There have been days where I literally cannot bring myself to eat. Not the healthiest way to lose weight, but it’s just who I am and how my body works. I have never been a big eater, I eat to live, not live to eat. I have always just eaten whatever I want, whenever I want and I know many that wish they could do the same. Skinny, fat…that shit doesn’t matter, we all have our shadows. Although, at the end of the second marriage, after years of narcissist abuse, the weight loss wasn’t healthy, like I was going to die if it continued, serious shit…my ob/gyn began monitoring my weight. I was teaching and would have to deal with all kinds of judgmental bullshit in the Teacher’s Lounge. “Do you ever eat?” “I wish I was as thin as you!” “You know you don’t need to lose weight, don’t you?” on & on, daily basis and it sucked. Skinny chicks get shit, too.
The judgments, the rude comments and sexual innuendos. My god, I could write a book on the shit men have said to me about my body. Fucking degrading and disgusting. In high school, I was told I was a carpenter’s dream: flat as a board and easy to nail. At 15 years old, I was flat chested, still am and it never bothered me. At 15 years old, I was a virgin, yet found myself to be a whore because of how I looked, part of that being my size. I was shoved into a locker once, as well, pretty sure it was an option because I’m tiny. I have had more men than I care to count leering at me, making comments about my body and what they would like to do to it. This shit still happens to me at 42…I’m friends with a guy that continually speaks about what he would like to do to me, sexually, even though I have more than once said we are just friends. I’ve flat out said not going to happen, dude. But, he thinks it’s cute and funny to make these comments. On the flip side, I’ve been told I would look better with some more meat on my bones. Selfish Mitch knows a guy, that at her birthday party last year, told me I would look better with bigger boobs and he would buy them for me. My response was, “Thanks, but I love myself just the way I am.” My narc ex told me a few months ago, I look like a meth addict. For the fucking love of Buddha, a meth addict? The shit people project onto others is just fucking ridiculous.
Today, I eat a mostly vegetarian diet, although I don’t believe in following any diet, like everything else for me, there is no box. I listen to my body and it tells me what it needs. I eat when I’m hungry, sometimes that’s once a day with a bunch of snacks. Sometimes, it’s 3 meals a day with a bunch of snacks…my snacks are bananas, nuts, Cliff bars, you get the idea. If I want ice cream, I eat the damn ice cream. I do yoga 5/6 days a week and I walk dogs, 2-5 miles daily…guess what, I’m not going to be gaining any weight anytime soon, so anyone with a problem can fuck right off. On top of eating and exercising, I’m in ascension. Basically, my body is becoming lighter, purer, to hold higher energetic frequencies. Hence, the changes in my diet and being guided to yoga. These changes occur during the spiritual awakening to prepare the physical body for ascension. I will say, the yoga has done some mind blowing things to my body. I have muscles where I’m pretty sure they have never existed before and that is just the cherry on top, when it comes to the benefits of yoga. In the past year, I have come to love my body in ways I never really thought about. Today, I choose to show my body how sacred and loved it is by how I treat it on the daily. I do have one last bad habit though…smoking and it pisses me the fuck off. But, I’m aware and working on it, every damn day.
I’m skinny, tiny, thin…my physical body meets societies expectations, but I really don’t give a fuck and it never stopped people from being aholes to me. The shallow, superficial way of thinking and treating each other needs to stop, like yesterday. If anyone judges, comments, eye rolls, at your body, or what you choose to wear…know this…THEY ARE FUCKING INSECURE and PROJECTING THAT SHIT ONTO YOU…don’t let them take your power, your knowing of who you are and what makes you happy. Here’s the thing, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about YOUR body, it’s your fucking body and you are in it for a reason. If you can’t love your body, as it is, right now…start, it’s an integral part of self-care and self-love and it starts right where your at. Not where you want to be, or intend to be…now. If you can’t love it right this fucking minute, than you’re never going to love it as you imagine it to be, so it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks, does it?
Peace Love and Light To Every Shape & Size